Welcome to another collaborative effort from Misty Mills and ChexandThePity.wordpress.com. This week we’re going to try and not offend anyone…kidding.
Have you ever found yourself wishing you had a Hallmark Card for a situation that Hallmark would never make a card for? We got ya covered. The following are our submissions to Hallmark. (We expect the cease and desist orders to come in the mail any day now)
Want to break up with a friend for their taste in pop culture/entertainment? Try these cards on for size:
“I'm sorry you like Tyler Perry Movies. I’m also sorry I didn’t find this out sooner. I feel used. I’m un-friending you on facebook. “
“Congratulations on attending a recent Nickelback concert. Hopefully you contracted some form of Hepatitis. The form that keeps you from breathing.”
“Roses are red, violets are blue….soccer sucks….and so do you. Sorry bro, the only football we’re gonna watch the rest of the year involves cheerleaders and tackling.”
“Dear Steve*, Although we’re all super impressed with your Michael Phelp’s like lung capacity we can longer have you over on Wednesday night’s unless you buy the weed. “
This card only available to friends who know Steve. God damn does he mess up the rotation or what?
" I know the divorce was hard on you and your dog just died, but we're gonna have to kick you out of the group. You're a total downer. I didnt want to mention it, but the weight gain and the Beiber fetish are also big no-no's"
"You're dumb. I can't take it anymore. Do me a solid and read a fuckin book. Twilight doesnt count."
Have that type of family that regular sappy cards just aren't cutting it for? How about these:
“Happy Third Anniversary! We never thought you’d make it this long, especially after finding out you two were related.”
“Congratulations on finding out you had a sister....that's dead. I’m sure you two would have really been close.”
“Dearest Uncle, Heard about your recent DWI. Just wanted to say I’m amazed by your commitment to your craft. Most people would have given up after 3.”
“Congrats on getting a cell in the State Pen instead of Federal. Not only will you be closer for visits but you might know the person that sodomizes you nightly!”
“Sweet Nephew, The rest of us just want you to know that it’s ok if you’re gay. We’ve actually all known for some time now. The vacations to Amsterdam, trips to Key West and never being able to do anything the nights that Glee is on are kind of hard signals to miss. We won’t love you any less….unless your boyfriend’s black.”
“Congratulations on giving birth to the most…..most…..ah screw it, congrats on giving birth to the second coming of News of the World’s Bat Boy……Christ in a dumptruck that kid’s ugly. When you’re here for Thanksgiving please find a room at the Motel 6. We don’t want that beast scaring our perfectly normal children.”
"YOU DID IT! We're so proud to hear the fourth stint in rehab took! I'm not even mad I lost that $200!"
"Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's my hottest cousin of all?! YOU, SILLY! " -I'll be shocked if you dont get 'most boneable' again this year at the reunion."
What about the new wave of Holidays that have cropped up in recent years? Tired of sending the same old boring Christmas cards? Might we suggest these fine substitutes:
“Happy MLK Day! Please enjoy the package of cookies we sent with this card!”*
*This one’s for your dyslexic/racist friends that although they realize it’s Martin
Luther King Jr Day, fail to realize the card they bought doesn’t say MILK.
“Happy Kwanza! I don’t even know what this means but I know that you’re black and a black guy at my office mentioned Kwanza….soooo…..Have fun at your holiday. Word.”
"Happy Administrative Professionals Day! Apparently, that's the new fancy way to say 'secretary'. I like it. Has a nice ring. Any word yet on the fancy way to say 'get off your ass, fax that file and have a turkey club in my office before I bust that 'worlds best mom' mug over your abnormally small peanut shaped head?"
Tired of getting the same old boring cards for co-workers? Spice up your employment with our help:
“Dear Co-Worker, thanks for leaving your facebook up at lunch. Now your cunt of a grandmother knows you’re coming home for Christmas as a furry….You’re Welcome!”
“Congratulations on not seeing any ghosts in rehab this time. We’re all super excited about you being back at work. We’ve moved your pens and pencils over to the supply cabinet though….just in case.”
“Thanks for eating the last donut lard ass. There were people who hadn’t even had a chance to get one, yet you thought it was just fine to make 4 trips to the break room before 8. Hope your cardiologist gets hit by a bus.”
“We're so relieved to hear that your rapid weight loss was due to a parisitic infection instead of the AIDS we had feared.”
“Sorry to hear your band’s gig got bumped this weekend. I’m sure your 23 minute guitar solo in your cover of Comfortably Numb was righteous. Don’t bother telling me when it’s rescheduled for. I value my eardrums.”
"Thanks for thinking of me, but no, I dont want to buy any crap to support your kids school. It's a waste of money. My advice would be to take him out of school and start prepping him for his future of appearing on all the reality shows involving Dr Drew."
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