I've had a subscription to Rolling Stone magazine since I was 14yrs old. Tonight I was thumbing through my newest issue and I saw an advertisement for Dr. Martens shoes. Flashback to middle school. I immediately got out of bed to pen this list of things that either need to go away STAT or should not come back. EVER.
Dr. Martens: Ever heard someone say, 'Hey, check out that cute girl that appears to be happy and well adjusted. Yeah, the smiling one with the good hair and the Dr. Martens.' I'll answer that for you. Nope. It's an impossibility for two reasons. They weigh 8lbs a piece and dont go with anything. These must stay in the back of the closet with your Soundgarden tshirts and anything made of flannel.
Front pleats: If AC Slater can't pull it off, nobody can. I remember watching Saved By the Bell and thinking something was so wrong with AC's pants but I couldnt put my finger on it. Maybe it was the acid wash, maybe it was the tapered leg.. Nigh, twas the pleating in the front. Think about it. Fashion has flirted with a tapered leg from time to time. Different washes come in and out of popularity, but NEVER has a FUPA been attractive.
Half Shirts: America, we are just too fat for this shit. Let it go.
Velour: Take any normal, everyday article of clothing, make it velour and BAM! You've got yourself a train wreck. I love sweats as much as the next gal. I recently met a super cute guitar player from a band I'm into while wearing a sweatshirt.. Im positive that encounter never would have taken place had that shirt been made of velour. Dressing down from time to time is ok. Attempting to dress up your super lame comfy clothes = fail. Stop it.
Ass Lettering: Only 3 possible scenarios exist in the realm of buttwords.. 1.)You're too old or out of shape to wear anything that says JUICY across your ass. 2.)You're too young for anyone to be looking at your bottom. 3.)You're the .05% of the world that is young enough, hot enough and still yet, old enough to be drawing attention to your ass. If you're either of the first two, cease and desist. If you're the latter, you dont really need your ass to say PINK. Young and firm will do the trick, trust me.
Boy Bands: No explanation needed. (Although, I'd kill a hobo for a Boyz II Men reunion tour, I'm not gonna lie. Please don't tell anyone.)
Psuedo Celebs: Why do we give a shit about Kim Kardashian and her idiot sisters? Let me tell you this, if screwing ball players, being ignorant of the world around you and generally making an ass of yourself in public situations equals good t.v., there should be camera crews following me 24/7. I'm a star, baby.
Ok, since I jumped out of bed to bang this out and it's 2am, I'm signing off. But before I cut out, Id like to leave you on a positive note. One thing that seems to be here to stay and Im glad about it.
Porn.
