I've had a subscription to Rolling Stone magazine since I was 14yrs old. Tonight I was thumbing through my newest issue and I saw an advertisement for Dr. Martens shoes. Flashback to middle school. I immediately got out of bed to pen this list of things that either need to go away STAT or should not come back. EVER.
Dr. Martens: Ever heard someone say, 'Hey, check out that cute girl that appears to be happy and well adjusted. Yeah, the smiling one with the good hair and the Dr. Martens.' I'll answer that for you. Nope. It's an impossibility for two reasons. They weigh 8lbs a piece and dont go with anything. These must stay in the back of the closet with your Soundgarden tshirts and anything made of flannel.
Front pleats: If AC Slater can't pull it off, nobody can. I remember watching Saved By the Bell and thinking something was so wrong with AC's pants but I couldnt put my finger on it. Maybe it was the acid wash, maybe it was the tapered leg.. Nigh, twas the pleating in the front. Think about it. Fashion has flirted with a tapered leg from time to time. Different washes come in and out of popularity, but NEVER has a FUPA been attractive.
Half Shirts: America, we are just too fat for this shit. Let it go.
Velour: Take any normal, everyday article of clothing, make it velour and BAM! You've got yourself a train wreck. I love sweats as much as the next gal. I recently met a super cute guitar player from a band I'm into while wearing a sweatshirt.. Im positive that encounter never would have taken place had that shirt been made of velour. Dressing down from time to time is ok. Attempting to dress up your super lame comfy clothes = fail. Stop it.
Ass Lettering: Only 3 possible scenarios exist in the realm of buttwords.. 1.)You're too old or out of shape to wear anything that says JUICY across your ass. 2.)You're too young for anyone to be looking at your bottom. 3.)You're the .05% of the world that is young enough, hot enough and still yet, old enough to be drawing attention to your ass. If you're either of the first two, cease and desist. If you're the latter, you dont really need your ass to say PINK. Young and firm will do the trick, trust me.
Boy Bands: No explanation needed. (Although, I'd kill a hobo for a Boyz II Men reunion tour, I'm not gonna lie. Please don't tell anyone.)
Psuedo Celebs: Why do we give a shit about Kim Kardashian and her idiot sisters? Let me tell you this, if screwing ball players, being ignorant of the world around you and generally making an ass of yourself in public situations equals good t.v., there should be camera crews following me 24/7. I'm a star, baby.
Ok, since I jumped out of bed to bang this out and it's 2am, I'm signing off. But before I cut out, Id like to leave you on a positive note. One thing that seems to be here to stay and Im glad about it.
Porn.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
Facebook: ReAsOnS wE hAtE yOu
Let’s take a trip back to 1992. You’re tired, you’re walking in the door after a long day at work to find that your spouse has made a wonderfully delicious pot roast. Now, back then, do you think you would have ever run straight to the mailbox and mailed a letter to all of your friends about how “great” that pot roast was? So why do people feel the need to post “Pot roast…Yummy!” on Facebook now?
This is just one in a long line of many breaches of “Facebook etiquette.” Before you get all hot and bothered we are all guilty of occasionally breaking these rules, but some of us out there are habitual offenders. What we’re going to attempt in this edition of the Chex and the Pity/Mills FamilyFunhouse guest blog is hopefully give everyone a kind of what NOT to do manual for the world of social networking, specifically Facebook (because MySpace is dead and not enough of you use Twitter)
Again….we know we violate these rules from time to time as well so save your damn emails….
Up first we have some minor offenses….
Food - Thanks so much for telling us what you had for dinner, who prepared it for you and the step by step rundown of how they created the miracle that was your last meal. No. One. Cares. General rule of thumb: if it's gonna be shit in 2 hours, we don’t need a status update about it. Unacceptable phrases include any variation of “Yummo” “So delicious” and “Fucking better than Scarlett Johannsens’s nude pics”….actually that last variation is ok.
Mundane- If you can’t think of anything interesting to say, it's perfectly ok to leave it blank. There honestly isn’t a troll that’s going to pop out of your computer or phone and bite you in the junk because you haven’t updated your status in two hours. Our mothers both used to say if you don’t have anything to say for fucks sake please post something about how stupid you think the new Color Me Bad* video is. Christ in a dump truck, just leave it blank.
*In all honesty, our mothers only said this once. (Sept 1991)
Vague- What can’t you believe?!?! Who just showed up?!?!? What the fuck is a TRUMANG?!? If you have to answer a question about your status in the comments then you probably shouldn’t have posted anything in the first place.
Friend Requesting Etiquette - There should be a minimum of 2 social interactions before a friend request is sent. However, there are exceptions to this rule such as if you have 189 friends in common or if a friend suggests another friend to you for dating purposes. Also, If you hooked up with a person the night before…it’s a general rule that if you’ve seen each other naked we think it’s ok if you see each other’s Halloween ’08 pics.
Kids - Do not let your kids send friend requests to grownups they barely know. You can’t expect us to censor ourselves just because your 9 yr old shouldn’t be reading updates about rolling on X and beastiality. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. That’s on you. We don’t need to hear about every bowel movement or accident your newborn has either. Teenagers fall into this category too. So if you have a teenager please make sure that they’re not friends with either of us. They are absolutely atrocious on social networks. No OnE WaNtS tO rEaD aNyThINg WhEn It LoOkS LiKe ThIs.
Spam - WOW! I CANT BELIEVE I CAN ACTUALLY SEE WHO'S BEEN CREEPIN ME ON FB! JUST CLICK THIS LINK TO FIND OUT WHICH ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BE ABLE TO LOOK IN THE EYE AGAIN!! Do not click the link it doesn’t work, its spam. One aside here, this is actually a good indicator of how many of your friends are actively looking at porn sites. If we had to ballpark it we’d say 100% of your friends look at porn, present company included. With that being said, we’d like to go on record and say that website had a disclaimer saying the girls were 18 and the cat was already dead your honor.
Updated Profile Pictures – What used to be called “MySpace Voodoo” has now become an epidemic on Facebook. No one likes being fooled. So if you’ve got that one picture of you in a bikini from 10 years ago where you’re looking fine as hell….don’t use it as your profile picture now that you’ve been married/divorced with 7 kids and put on 75 pounds.
Creating Events/Inviting to Events – It’s great that you’re involved in charities. It’s even great that you want us to come to your charitable event. What’s not great is inviting all 897 friends to your son’s/daughter’s Cowboy Birthday Party. There better be booze and strippers. If there are then we’ll even bring a present*
*The present is lots and lots of 1’s.
Married People With Joint Accounts - If you can’t trust each other enough to allow separate Facebook pages, maybe you should call it a day. If you're seriously that worried about your spouse being unfaithful, let us just break it down for you.. Where there's a supply closet and will, there is a way. Your boo don’t need Facebook to cheat. Guys that agree to this…you’re effectively saying “My wife has my balls in her purse. I do not have access to them right now, but if you send me a message I’ll ask her if I can use them and get back to you.”
'We're sooo in love' wall posts - Come on people, get real. Chances are you aren’t even going to be dating/married to that person in 2 years so why waste your valuable time and 140 precious character spaces trying to convince your Facebook friends that they are your perfect soul mate? Since when do our intimate relationships require posting “my hubby/wife is the bestest” to all 581 of our closest friends? If you’re going to post the good you might as well post the bad. “Couldn’t watch the second half of the game tonight because the cunt wanted to watch god damn CSI:Albuquerque”
Constant changing of the relationship status - We get it..your love life is a hot mess. We’re really not sure why you do it, but understand this: You get a little pity the first time, then you get hidden. We don’t change our status every time Misty feels the need to smother her husband as he sleeps or every time Cory has to write a personal check for the hooker’s divorce lawyer for two reasons: 1) We don’t have that kind of time 2) We know that our Facebook friends do not give a crap.
Pets – You love your pet. Nothing wrong with that. Posting 72 pictures of your dog laying on the couch….72 pictures of your dog laying in the grass….or 72 pictures of your dog licking peanut butter off your…..you get the picture. It’s a little much. There needs to be a separate Facebook for kids and pets. One that is far,far away from us.
Favorite Quotes Section - If you have any quotes that can be attributed to yourself or any of your friends, take them down. No one knows the context, no one gives a shit that your friend Sully said “NO I SAID THE PAINT WAS CRACKED”…..you hear that sound? That’s no one caring.
Now we’ll move onto some MAJOR violations. These will get you hidden in a heartbeat….repeat offenders are likely to be even ….*gasp*…..unfriended.
Menstruation and/or Bowel Habits - Seriously people…do we need to go over this? As a general rule of thumb if anything is secreted out of any orifice on your body whether it be blood , mucus, or feces, no one else wants to know about it. Promise. Cross our hearts. Hope to die. Stick a giant needle in your eye if you tell us you left a giant curler in the bowl at work again.
“like” Whores- You ever notice on one of your friend’s pages how one certain person likes every single one of a their posts and you think it’s weird because you know for a fact that they don’t hang out together. If it comes to the point where someone has literally stopped posting just so that you won’t have anything to like on their page then we’re pretty sure the terrorists have won. Don’t make them block you. That being said, please continue to “like” each and every one of our posts.
Bible Verses/Famous/Cliché Quotes – We here at Chex & the Pity and MillsFamilyFunhouse both agree that like the separation of Church and State there should be separation of Church and Facebook. Don’t take this the wrong way, we’re both in the same boat as the Doobie Brothers in that Jesus is just alright with us (oh yeah)….but there comes a point in time where if after reading your posts on Facebook we put a few dollars in a plate in the pantry and start thinking about where to beat the lunch crowds (Western Sizzlin is good if you get there before 1215 on Sunday)…it has to be toned down….a lot.
Also if all you can do is quote Marilyn Monroe or Rev Run then maybe posting on social networking sites just isn’t for you. Do us a favor and throw in a Charles Manson or two…at least you’ll know if anyone is paying attention to you after that. Answer: probably still no one. Seriously, you lost them after the 87th consecutive Marilyn Monroe quote. And by the way, who is supposed to be inspired by a self-admitted one trick pony who only got famous because she slept her way into acting and banged the president then committed suicide….real inspirational there.
Passive Aggressive - The mother of all inappropriateness on Facebook….the passive-aggressive post. If you’re constantly bitching and moaning about “something” that “someone” has done or is doing….if you’re whining about how you can’t understand why you’re still single….if you’re basically being just a huge gaping asshole on the internet, please do us all a favor and go back to MySpace. We’re not gonna name any names here but YOU know who YOU are.
Creating Facebook Pages for Dead People - So what could be more fitting than honoring your friend or loved one that hated social media and made a conscientious decision not to have a facebook page with a facebook page...post mortem. We are soooo gonna haunt your ass after we pass on. Those creepy noises in the night and cryptic messages written in peanut butter on your bathroom mirror….that’s us. Hi.
Checking In Everywhere - If you can give us one good reason why you are irrationally compelled to tell everyone you've ever met that you're at Wendy's (for the second time today, wth?) We won’t punch you in the face. Do you want stalkers? We have a few “like” whores that we can send your way. Wendy’s would be an odd place to die.
Pictures and Knowing the Difference Between Appropriate and Inappropriate – It's bad enough spending the night in the drunk tank and having to come up with yet another $390 for bail, but to come home and have to untag yourself from 57 potentially incriminating photos on your page really irks us. Knock it off or we’re posting that one of you and the midget stripper that stole your Visa card.
If you Love Jesus/Hate Obama/Hate Cancer/Support Our Troops then repost this…. – Have you ever met anyone …ANYONE that did not support the troops or hate cancer? Besides the Westboro Baptist Church? Ok then, let’s just all agree here and now that WE SUPPORT THE TROOPS and we fucking hate cancer. We’ve already mentioned that Jesus is just alright with us (oh yeah) and hell we can even support thinking that you have a great sister/husband/father/wife/brother. But don’t ask us to repost something just to make you feel better about your own situation.
Parents - Listen, Mom/Dad….what we post on Facebook is mostly nonsense. It’s almost never , repeat never about you. So while you might feel the need to comment on a status here and there, that’s fine. Just don’t interpret any post about burying dead hookers as a mom issue ok?
Debbie downers – We all have bad days. It’s ok to vent a little frustration every now and then. But if your life sucks so bad that you have never once posted a positive status update, you might wanna re-evaluate your life. How many days in a row do you feel the need to let us know that you’re “having one of those days”? Step away from the computer and get some help, preferably in the form of electric shock therapy or a lobotomy.
Politics – Oh man those Bush/Obama jokes really kill me. Politics are like religion when it comes to Facebook and life in general….no one is ever going to agree. At this point in our lives, it’s very rare that you’re going to convert anyone to the other side. So why try? We can both sit online and spout facts that prove/disprove each other til we’re as blue in the face as that dude in that weatherman’s bathtub in Maumelle, it’s not going to change anything. Leave it be.
Games - This used to be a much larger issue. Gone are the days where you could read 17 posts in a row about finding a stray cow or someone needing “coins” to build that lattice field around their crops. Although it was always funny to come home and see 87 posts about a current news topic and mom’s post about “Does anyone have any carrot seeds?”. Seriously, if you’re playing games on Facebook and posting them on your own wall or others….you need to get back on WOW where you belong and stop terrorizing the rest of us non gamers.
So there you have it. Some basic guidelines to what we find awful about you on Facebook. Just kidding we don’t think you’re awful.
And yes, we know that we are just as guilty as anyone else about some of these so please….DO NOT SEND US A GOD DAMN EMAIL SAYING “ HEY YOU POSTED SOMETHING ABOUT KIDS YESTERDAY HAHAHAHAHA”
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Hallmark Cards for the real world
Welcome to another collaborative effort from Misty Mills and ChexandThePity.wordpress.com. This week we’re going to try and not offend anyone…kidding.
Have you ever found yourself wishing you had a Hallmark Card for a situation that Hallmark would never make a card for? We got ya covered. The following are our submissions to Hallmark. (We expect the cease and desist orders to come in the mail any day now)
Want to break up with a friend for their taste in pop culture/entertainment? Try these cards on for size:
“I'm sorry you like Tyler Perry Movies. I’m also sorry I didn’t find this out sooner. I feel used. I’m un-friending you on facebook. “
“Congratulations on attending a recent Nickelback concert. Hopefully you contracted some form of Hepatitis. The form that keeps you from breathing.”
“Roses are red, violets are blue….soccer sucks….and so do you. Sorry bro, the only football we’re gonna watch the rest of the year involves cheerleaders and tackling.”
“Dear Steve*, Although we’re all super impressed with your Michael Phelp’s like lung capacity we can longer have you over on Wednesday night’s unless you buy the weed. “
This card only available to friends who know Steve. God damn does he mess up the rotation or what?
" I know the divorce was hard on you and your dog just died, but we're gonna have to kick you out of the group. You're a total downer. I didnt want to mention it, but the weight gain and the Beiber fetish are also big no-no's"
"You're dumb. I can't take it anymore. Do me a solid and read a fuckin book. Twilight doesnt count."
Have that type of family that regular sappy cards just aren't cutting it for? How about these:
“Happy Third Anniversary! We never thought you’d make it this long, especially after finding out you two were related.”
“Congratulations on finding out you had a sister....that's dead. I’m sure you two would have really been close.”
“Dearest Uncle, Heard about your recent DWI. Just wanted to say I’m amazed by your commitment to your craft. Most people would have given up after 3.”
“Congrats on getting a cell in the State Pen instead of Federal. Not only will you be closer for visits but you might know the person that sodomizes you nightly!”
“Sweet Nephew, The rest of us just want you to know that it’s ok if you’re gay. We’ve actually all known for some time now. The vacations to Amsterdam, trips to Key West and never being able to do anything the nights that Glee is on are kind of hard signals to miss. We won’t love you any less….unless your boyfriend’s black.”
“Congratulations on giving birth to the most…..most…..ah screw it, congrats on giving birth to the second coming of News of the World’s Bat Boy……Christ in a dumptruck that kid’s ugly. When you’re here for Thanksgiving please find a room at the Motel 6. We don’t want that beast scaring our perfectly normal children.”
"YOU DID IT! We're so proud to hear the fourth stint in rehab took! I'm not even mad I lost that $200!"
"Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's my hottest cousin of all?! YOU, SILLY! " -I'll be shocked if you dont get 'most boneable' again this year at the reunion."
What about the new wave of Holidays that have cropped up in recent years? Tired of sending the same old boring Christmas cards? Might we suggest these fine substitutes:
“Happy MLK Day! Please enjoy the package of cookies we sent with this card!”*
*This one’s for your dyslexic/racist friends that although they realize it’s Martin
Luther King Jr Day, fail to realize the card they bought doesn’t say MILK.
“Happy Kwanza! I don’t even know what this means but I know that you’re black and a black guy at my office mentioned Kwanza….soooo…..Have fun at your holiday. Word.”
"Happy Administrative Professionals Day! Apparently, that's the new fancy way to say 'secretary'. I like it. Has a nice ring. Any word yet on the fancy way to say 'get off your ass, fax that file and have a turkey club in my office before I bust that 'worlds best mom' mug over your abnormally small peanut shaped head?"
Tired of getting the same old boring cards for co-workers? Spice up your employment with our help:
“Dear Co-Worker, thanks for leaving your facebook up at lunch. Now your cunt of a grandmother knows you’re coming home for Christmas as a furry….You’re Welcome!”
“Congratulations on not seeing any ghosts in rehab this time. We’re all super excited about you being back at work. We’ve moved your pens and pencils over to the supply cabinet though….just in case.”
“Thanks for eating the last donut lard ass. There were people who hadn’t even had a chance to get one, yet you thought it was just fine to make 4 trips to the break room before 8. Hope your cardiologist gets hit by a bus.”
“We're so relieved to hear that your rapid weight loss was due to a parisitic infection instead of the AIDS we had feared.”
“Sorry to hear your band’s gig got bumped this weekend. I’m sure your 23 minute guitar solo in your cover of Comfortably Numb was righteous. Don’t bother telling me when it’s rescheduled for. I value my eardrums.”
"Thanks for thinking of me, but no, I dont want to buy any crap to support your kids school. It's a waste of money. My advice would be to take him out of school and start prepping him for his future of appearing on all the reality shows involving Dr Drew."
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Oh, Lord!
Im prefacing this post with a simple fact: I am in no way doubting there is a God that answers prayers. I am a believer. I drank the Kool Aid and I have been washed in the very smelly, warm blood of the lamb. I tell you that to tell you this...
Tonight I read the status update of a family member and I literally laughed so hard I had tears running down my face. Ladies and Gents, I give you THE status update:
Tonight I read the status update of a family member and I literally laughed so hard I had tears running down my face. Ladies and Gents, I give you THE status update:
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Viewers Choice! First Annual In's and Out's Q&A blog!
It's time to get interactive, yo. This is my blog, so obviously, I pick the topics... UNTIL NOW!! Tell me what you wanna read about and consider it done! You wanna know what I think about Casey Anthony? How about my take on Wikileaks? Ke$ha's VD infested snatch VS. Lady Gaga's acid trip of a face? Are you curious to know if I wear boxers or briefs or if really kill hobos for fun? Come at me with your best questions and most interesting topics and I'll tackle 'em all.
I'll be enlisting the help of my friend and co-blogger Cory Dodson for this project as I have on a few of my more recent blogs. In case you have no idea where this person came from, a little back story on the phenom that is Cory: He's a dude. He worked for the same company I did 5 years ago and after noticing he was ridiculousy funny, I made him be my friend. (Emphasis on 'made', he did not volunteer his friendship. Im pretty convincing when I wanna be.) We've been thick as thieves since and have decided that working a regular 9-5 is just not for us. Our day jobs need to be sitting around sharing our thoughts and opinions with the world and getting paid large sums of money for it. (Which we will inevitably pump back into the economy via late night trips to EZ Mart and Taco Bueno.)
This blog post will be my love letter to the loyal readers of In's and Out's. Maybe you have a great story that Im some how involved in but don't quite remember? Remind me! I'll change all the parts about 'coke and whores' to 'puppies and kittens' and run with it! Comment on this post with your questions or ideas and I'll make sure I cover that topic or stealthily evade answering your way too personal questions in a humorous way. ;) Til then, I love you all! - M&M
I'll be enlisting the help of my friend and co-blogger Cory Dodson for this project as I have on a few of my more recent blogs. In case you have no idea where this person came from, a little back story on the phenom that is Cory: He's a dude. He worked for the same company I did 5 years ago and after noticing he was ridiculousy funny, I made him be my friend. (Emphasis on 'made', he did not volunteer his friendship. Im pretty convincing when I wanna be.) We've been thick as thieves since and have decided that working a regular 9-5 is just not for us. Our day jobs need to be sitting around sharing our thoughts and opinions with the world and getting paid large sums of money for it. (Which we will inevitably pump back into the economy via late night trips to EZ Mart and Taco Bueno.)
This blog post will be my love letter to the loyal readers of In's and Out's. Maybe you have a great story that Im some how involved in but don't quite remember? Remind me! I'll change all the parts about 'coke and whores' to 'puppies and kittens' and run with it! Comment on this post with your questions or ideas and I'll make sure I cover that topic or stealthily evade answering your way too personal questions in a humorous way. ;) Til then, I love you all! - M&M
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Putting the 'Die' in 'Diet'
Seriously...Who would willingly take a pill that caused intense stomach cramping, horrid b.o., dry mouth, excessive sweating, headaches and heart palpitations? Short answer: Me.
I've put on a few lbs over the last 2 years (20, to be exact, fml) and I really need to get it gone. Bustin ass 24/7 at the gym wasnt cutting it. Some say I must have been doing it wrong but I figured even if I was doing it wrong, surely Id have seen a TINY bit of improvement after 4 months... Nope.
That's why Im moving on to legal crack. (Legal Crack = 'Crack' you can buy at any health food/ fitness center) In addition to taking every vitamin or mineral thought to boost metabolism and energy levels, Im now ingesting what I can only assume is some form of Drain-O twice a day. I can actually feel my liver and kidneys failing, but Im no quitter, folks. I gave the gym it's fair shake, now Im riding this out until Im thin or my heart explodes.
Sad part is, Im not even shooting for some unrealistic # that would leave me looking emaciated and able to slice cheese with my collar bones. Im just trying to get back to a reasonable, 'healthy' weight. (Have I mentioned fml?)
My only other alternative is to hire a midget to literally follow me around and slap the food from my hands. I get that being healthy and thin is a 'lifestyle', but my life consists of fast food on the go, 3 picky kids that wont eat anything green unless it's a booger or some Nickelodeon brand of candy and a husband that eats 24/7 in hopes of gaining a pound. The deck is stacked against me but im determined to see this through.
Hopefully the weight loss wont take long because I dont think my cadiovascular system can handle much more of this. Then again, it's probably no more overworked than the seams of my favorite pair of jeans. :/
I've put on a few lbs over the last 2 years (20, to be exact, fml) and I really need to get it gone. Bustin ass 24/7 at the gym wasnt cutting it. Some say I must have been doing it wrong but I figured even if I was doing it wrong, surely Id have seen a TINY bit of improvement after 4 months... Nope.
That's why Im moving on to legal crack. (Legal Crack = 'Crack' you can buy at any health food/ fitness center) In addition to taking every vitamin or mineral thought to boost metabolism and energy levels, Im now ingesting what I can only assume is some form of Drain-O twice a day. I can actually feel my liver and kidneys failing, but Im no quitter, folks. I gave the gym it's fair shake, now Im riding this out until Im thin or my heart explodes.
Sad part is, Im not even shooting for some unrealistic # that would leave me looking emaciated and able to slice cheese with my collar bones. Im just trying to get back to a reasonable, 'healthy' weight. (Have I mentioned fml?)
My only other alternative is to hire a midget to literally follow me around and slap the food from my hands. I get that being healthy and thin is a 'lifestyle', but my life consists of fast food on the go, 3 picky kids that wont eat anything green unless it's a booger or some Nickelodeon brand of candy and a husband that eats 24/7 in hopes of gaining a pound. The deck is stacked against me but im determined to see this through.
Hopefully the weight loss wont take long because I dont think my cadiovascular system can handle much more of this. Then again, it's probably no more overworked than the seams of my favorite pair of jeans. :/
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Misty and Cory Live Action Blog Hoarders.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/248352/hoarders-hannakathy-and-gary
Today we're going to attempt to get through an entire episode of A&E's Hoarders. This particular episode features a three legged goat/chicken enthusiast with a wicked right jab named Hanna, and a fun loving Ohio couple named Kathy and Gary who just can't get enough sweet bunny love.
Hoarders - Hanna/Kathy & Gary
"Compulsive Douchebaggery (two g's?) is a mental disorder marked by an obsessive need to point and laugh and lampoon those who are less fortunate."
"More than 3 million people are compulsive douchebags."
"Here's two of their blogs....."
01:29 We're gonna call bullshit on the "ridgerunning" and "stump-jumpin".....also the last "cotton-picking" was probably done by her grandparent's slaves....guessing she didn't fall too far of the genetic tree when it comes to physical dexterity.
01:30 COCK
01:45 Why is she feeding them handicapped grain.
01:53 Lawanda...Luanda....Lahwunda.....
01:58 Wheelchair'ing feed around a 4 1/2 acre farm?
02:10 "Hey, take off your shoes...this is semi-new dead cat hair"
02:15 "off to the right is our immovable wall of junk....and over here on your left is the guest immovable wall of junk"
02:30 If this house's a rockin MOVE THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY CAUSE IT'S COMIN DOWN
02:55 sweet freedom. If you look closely you can see scrawled on the tupper ware in chicken scratch "Brooks wuz here"
03:30 "good thing to get out of that ol raggedy......aggedy trailer" See Hanna's still there mentally, she realized this was basic cable.
03:44 We could go the rest of our lives without ever knowing what behiggies (two g's?) are.
04:15 We figured out why the chickens are dying....she feeds them tide.
04:53 Luwanda don't take no shit! She has a tattoo above her udder that says "Goat Life"
05:01 So that's how you get 30inch biceps? Pushing a wheelchair around 4 acres and bitch slapping goats all day.
05:04 Hit pause.....whom does this remind you of? Think "Nah Clark, he's just under the table yakkin on a bone."
05:55 16 kids and 10 are still living......we are speechless. Although it's above 50% so we'll cut her some slack.
06:22 As long as it's in the confines of a 3 by 5 Rubbermaid tote.
06:45 If 6 of my brothers or sisters had died I would've said " I can't stand to see Mom live...."
Kathy & Gary or I GOT TOO MANY BUNNIES
07:05 "I got too many bunnies." Don't worry we're having the t-shirts printed now.
07:05 Gary seems a little nonchalant about having 6 MILLION GODDAMN BUNNIES
07:15 So in the plus column we have "wiggly nose".......
07:28 "They"? Gary? Really? Let's change that to "Gary says"...."Gary says that when bunnies do it....bunnies do it"
07:28 That t-shirt will be for sale as well
07:40 SHOCKER
07:52 This footage looks like the Blair Bunny Project.
08:15 Tomorrow, tomorrow, we'll slowly die of asphyxiation from inhaling bunny shit....tomorrow....it's only a day away.
08:29 The Animal Protective League...which rents a room on the backside of the Justice League.
08:32 My friends call me "Bunny Wrangler" It's not about the money.....WIGGLY NOSES Y'ALL
09:10 We wonder if Jeff had taken the opportunity to be a little punny and tell the landlord that the situation was "hare-y"
09:10 BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
09:12 WANDERING FECES Y'ALL
09:52 Petty larceny....b & e....bunnies....the rapsheet just goes on and on with this guy.
10:02 Pause....we'll give you a minute to go and vomit
10:22 As Gary says " I fought the bunnies and they eventually overpowered me and took over my home"
10:36 "No I'm not."
11:32 At this point we're opening up the over/under on dead bodies in Hanna's house at 6
11:45 NO SMOKING - You can clearly tell the chickens wrote that.
11:52 "...specialize in OCD and Compulsive Hoarding...1,2,3...1,2,3...are you gonna throw that away?"
12:28 If you turn up your speakers really loud you can hear "Welcome to the Jungle Baby.....now you're gonna die...."
13:24 Excuse us but it shouldn't it be "Second time I saw one dead?" Stop hoarding bad English.
14:23 "I don't drink liquid chicken shit often...but when I do, I drink Hanna's liquid chicken shit"
15:56 At this point Cory called Misty on her cell from 2 feet away to turn on the fan.
16:35 At least the rabbits seem to be potty trained
17:10 He has a pretty awesome bunnypult so I'd watch my step back there.
17:25 I got's my bunnies, I got's my bejeweled....I don't need no damn shrink.
18:50 They've not once mentioned her hoarding of eggs!!
19:06 So you're saying that you're surprised that the woman who killed 6 of her own children, beat the other 10 so badly that they were removed from her care isn't showing the emotions you thought she would about people helping clean her house?
19:45 She fights kids, she fights goats, she fights chickens
19:45 Luwanda agrees
20:18 We can't believe people willingly come to clean these homes on Hoarders. We both agree we would have been like "Fuck you Matt....no way, I'm going to work at McDonalds". Working on that crew should be court-ordered.
20:51 She's pregnant cause she couldn't get away from the other goat.
20:52 through 21:45 We have no words
22:31 Seven. Seven times.
23:15 Hanna Badger don't care.....Hanna Badger don't give a shit.
23:45 They should change the side of those trucks to read 1-800-What the fuck?
24:13 That's not ice...it's rabbit shit.
24:55 Dorothy needs to take it down a notch.
25:40 The water's for drinkin....the bleach is for the bunnies.....aim for the eyes.
26:50 Pause....can you spot the irony? Hand soap covered in shit.
27:03 We're both very surprised at how well Todd and Levana are taking this. Makes us wonder how bad THEIR house is?
28:13 There really shouldn't be a question about should they evict Gary and Kathy.....
28:50 Shit is about to go down....and not rabbit shit.
29:00 Or the producer....or the crew....or Steve the camera guy.
30:14 THEY"RE ALL SICK
30:21 Understatement of the Decade
31:23 We are shocked that Hanna's children do not deal well with conflict.
31:29 Wait....who the fuck is Bart?
31:45 "HEY WATCH OUT BART!" T-shirt GOLD
33:21 "We didn't land on Portage County Ohio....Portage County Ohio landed on us" - Bunny X
33:33 Probably from Gary.
34:19 They're using the term "cleaned" loosely
36:25 And we mean sick, this turkey was into some SICK shit....scat porn, beastiality (which to them is just called porn).
37:25 We just put on Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" and had a good cry
38:53 Is Hanna gonna have to choke a bitch?
39:00 Where's Bart when you need him?
40:16 WE PICKED THE BEST HOARDER EVAR YOU GUYS!!!
41:24 We're putting money on them finding out that Gary and Kathy have a kid....or had a kid.
43:17 Nope just funny.
End Credits
Hanna moved on to beating larger animals like mules and cows...She felt the smaller ones no longer offered up much of a challenge
Gary and Kathy moved in with Todd and Levana and started humping like rabbits.
Today we're going to attempt to get through an entire episode of A&E's Hoarders. This particular episode features a three legged goat/chicken enthusiast with a wicked right jab named Hanna, and a fun loving Ohio couple named Kathy and Gary who just can't get enough sweet bunny love.
Hoarders - Hanna/Kathy & Gary
"Compulsive Douchebaggery (two g's?) is a mental disorder marked by an obsessive need to point and laugh and lampoon those who are less fortunate."
"More than 3 million people are compulsive douchebags."
"Here's two of their blogs....."
01:29 We're gonna call bullshit on the "ridgerunning" and "stump-jumpin".....also the last "cotton-picking" was probably done by her grandparent's slaves....guessing she didn't fall too far of the genetic tree when it comes to physical dexterity.
01:30 COCK
01:45 Why is she feeding them handicapped grain.
01:53 Lawanda...Luanda....Lahwunda.....
01:58 Wheelchair'ing feed around a 4 1/2 acre farm?
02:10 "Hey, take off your shoes...this is semi-new dead cat hair"
02:15 "off to the right is our immovable wall of junk....and over here on your left is the guest immovable wall of junk"
02:30 If this house's a rockin MOVE THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY CAUSE IT'S COMIN DOWN
02:55 sweet freedom. If you look closely you can see scrawled on the tupper ware in chicken scratch "Brooks wuz here"
03:30 "good thing to get out of that ol raggedy......aggedy trailer" See Hanna's still there mentally, she realized this was basic cable.
03:44 We could go the rest of our lives without ever knowing what behiggies (two g's?) are.
04:15 We figured out why the chickens are dying....she feeds them tide.
04:53 Luwanda don't take no shit! She has a tattoo above her udder that says "Goat Life"
05:01 So that's how you get 30inch biceps? Pushing a wheelchair around 4 acres and bitch slapping goats all day.
05:04 Hit pause.....whom does this remind you of? Think "Nah Clark, he's just under the table yakkin on a bone."
05:55 16 kids and 10 are still living......we are speechless. Although it's above 50% so we'll cut her some slack.
06:22 As long as it's in the confines of a 3 by 5 Rubbermaid tote.
06:45 If 6 of my brothers or sisters had died I would've said " I can't stand to see Mom live...."
Kathy & Gary or I GOT TOO MANY BUNNIES
07:05 "I got too many bunnies." Don't worry we're having the t-shirts printed now.
07:05 Gary seems a little nonchalant about having 6 MILLION GODDAMN BUNNIES
07:15 So in the plus column we have "wiggly nose".......
07:28 "They"? Gary? Really? Let's change that to "Gary says"...."Gary says that when bunnies do it....bunnies do it"
07:28 That t-shirt will be for sale as well
07:40 SHOCKER
07:52 This footage looks like the Blair Bunny Project.
08:15 Tomorrow, tomorrow, we'll slowly die of asphyxiation from inhaling bunny shit....tomorrow....it's only a day away.
08:29 The Animal Protective League...which rents a room on the backside of the Justice League.
08:32 My friends call me "Bunny Wrangler" It's not about the money.....WIGGLY NOSES Y'ALL
09:10 We wonder if Jeff had taken the opportunity to be a little punny and tell the landlord that the situation was "hare-y"
09:10 BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
09:12 WANDERING FECES Y'ALL
09:52 Petty larceny....b & e....bunnies....the rapsheet just goes on and on with this guy.
10:02 Pause....we'll give you a minute to go and vomit
10:22 As Gary says " I fought the bunnies and they eventually overpowered me and took over my home"
10:36 "No I'm not."
11:32 At this point we're opening up the over/under on dead bodies in Hanna's house at 6
11:45 NO SMOKING - You can clearly tell the chickens wrote that.
11:52 "...specialize in OCD and Compulsive Hoarding...1,2,3...1,2,3...are you gonna throw that away?"
12:28 If you turn up your speakers really loud you can hear "Welcome to the Jungle Baby.....now you're gonna die...."
13:24 Excuse us but it shouldn't it be "Second time I saw one dead?" Stop hoarding bad English.
14:23 "I don't drink liquid chicken shit often...but when I do, I drink Hanna's liquid chicken shit"
15:56 At this point Cory called Misty on her cell from 2 feet away to turn on the fan.
16:35 At least the rabbits seem to be potty trained
17:10 He has a pretty awesome bunnypult so I'd watch my step back there.
17:25 I got's my bunnies, I got's my bejeweled....I don't need no damn shrink.
18:50 They've not once mentioned her hoarding of eggs!!
19:06 So you're saying that you're surprised that the woman who killed 6 of her own children, beat the other 10 so badly that they were removed from her care isn't showing the emotions you thought she would about people helping clean her house?
19:45 She fights kids, she fights goats, she fights chickens
19:45 Luwanda agrees
20:18 We can't believe people willingly come to clean these homes on Hoarders. We both agree we would have been like "Fuck you Matt....no way, I'm going to work at McDonalds". Working on that crew should be court-ordered.
20:51 She's pregnant cause she couldn't get away from the other goat.
20:52 through 21:45 We have no words
22:31 Seven. Seven times.
23:15 Hanna Badger don't care.....Hanna Badger don't give a shit.
23:45 They should change the side of those trucks to read 1-800-What the fuck?
24:13 That's not ice...it's rabbit shit.
24:55 Dorothy needs to take it down a notch.
25:40 The water's for drinkin....the bleach is for the bunnies.....aim for the eyes.
26:50 Pause....can you spot the irony? Hand soap covered in shit.
27:03 We're both very surprised at how well Todd and Levana are taking this. Makes us wonder how bad THEIR house is?
28:13 There really shouldn't be a question about should they evict Gary and Kathy.....
28:50 Shit is about to go down....and not rabbit shit.
29:00 Or the producer....or the crew....or Steve the camera guy.
30:14 THEY"RE ALL SICK
30:21 Understatement of the Decade
31:23 We are shocked that Hanna's children do not deal well with conflict.
31:29 Wait....who the fuck is Bart?
31:45 "HEY WATCH OUT BART!" T-shirt GOLD
33:21 "We didn't land on Portage County Ohio....Portage County Ohio landed on us" - Bunny X
33:33 Probably from Gary.
34:19 They're using the term "cleaned" loosely
36:25 And we mean sick, this turkey was into some SICK shit....scat porn, beastiality (which to them is just called porn).
37:25 We just put on Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" and had a good cry
38:53 Is Hanna gonna have to choke a bitch?
39:00 Where's Bart when you need him?
40:16 WE PICKED THE BEST HOARDER EVAR YOU GUYS!!!
41:24 We're putting money on them finding out that Gary and Kathy have a kid....or had a kid.
43:17 Nope just funny.
End Credits
Hanna moved on to beating larger animals like mules and cows...She felt the smaller ones no longer offered up much of a challenge
Gary and Kathy moved in with Todd and Levana and started humping like rabbits.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Live Action Blog with Cory Dodson
Tits and Other Boobs or Love and Other Drugs....a live blog event by Misty Mills and Cory Dodson
This is our first attempt at live blogging. We've both done some tape-delay gigs in the past but the real money is in "live events". Most likely you won't understand any of what follows if you haven't seen the movie Love and Other Drugs. Obviously the best way to read this is while watching the movie. Also, if you could not have anyone close to you that has Parkinson's would be another good way to watch it. . We both know this is a horrible disease....we both also have sick, twisted senses of humor....so there's your warning. We are not claiming to be good people or good writers....so please enjoy.
00:00 Cory's suggestion to watch the movie topless in honor of the impending breast bonanza is denied.
00:01 Rated R for rots of roobies - Scooby Doo doing the ratings announcement
1:12 What's up with the boom box? Is this Jake Gyllenhall - N - Play?
2:50 This is the first time anyone's ever fucked to the song "Two Princes"
4:57 A budget of 35 million dollars and that's the best actor you can pull for the brother? Assuming Jack Black was unavailable?
*I will say his role was probably the most enjoyable of the movie.
7:14 I know this movie takes place in 1994 but where did they find a StarTAC that still worked?
7:45 Join us Monday nights at 830 TLC for "The Pfizer Cheerleader Tryouts"
8:45 In a twist that was seen by literally everyone that has watched the movie...our main character Jake Gyllenhaal sleeps with the Pfizer instructor. Top Gun Similarity #1
9:00 Oliver Platt was available...shocker
13:04 "No one ever got laid goin dutch"...unless you're in Holland
14:30 Cory is disappointed that there's still no boobs...well actually Misty is disappointed too.
14:45 Calling a black receptionist "Stonewall"?....too soon
16:50 Apparently there's lots of mouth kissing in the drug rep world.
20:15 And the battle of the eyebrows commences....it's like 4 woolly caterpilars up there.
21:00 I wonder if Anne Hathaway and Steven Tyler ever had a taco eating contest. Seriously mesmerized by the size of that mouth.
21:30 BOOB
21:30 Paused while high-fives were exchanged.
21:32 Cory's suggestion to go topless the rest of the movie is denied.....again.
24:30 Brother's internet porn addiction? Neither Cory or Misty see a problem. Shocker.
26:16 Apparently Anne Hathaway shops barefoot at Wal-Mart.
27:00 Two black people outside a coffee shop with a pit bull?....so cliche
27:30 "You know what happens to cure Parkinson's ? Myyyy Cock..." Not actually in the movie. Guess who said it? (Cory said it)
28:00 We've decided Anne Hathaway has a floating jaw....like a boa constrictor eating an ostrich egg.
29:00 Parkinson's sex looks very stressful.
30:00 Wow.....I think we just saw what Jake Gyllenhaal had for lunch...by looking through his anus. Little much there Mr. Cinematographer.
31:00 We both agree at this point we would have texted a person we were dating that had Parkinson's with the following text like 87 times by now ..."What's shakin?"
31:30 Gay black cowboy at the coffee shop?...So cliche.
31:45 Misty lists the four stages of terminal cirrhosis : "my mom, my dad, my uncle , my grandpa"
33:00 Love being discussed...."Actually it was my 5th grade teacher, ever heard of Mary Kay Le Torneau? We had to move. I almost died from giving too many high fives."
38:55 Oh lord the talk...real feelings...need more boobs asap....losing interest
40:56 Parkinson's has to help in the hand job department....I mean all you really have to get is a semi-grip.
41:42 Are her boobs big or is it that she's skinny? Ladies and gentleman we present you with "The Boob Paradox." 5 minutes elapse whilst on pause....long discussion with the ultimate conclusion of that it doesn't really matter, they're still nice tits.
42:15 I wonder if Gyllenhall ever had Broke Back flashbacks? Who has better tits? Heath Ledger or Hathaway?
43:40 As Anne Hathaway lays seductively on the couch in only Jake Gyllenhaal's button up shirt, Cory theorizes that girls wearing a guys shirt and nothing else = super hot....guys wearing a shirt and nothing else just look like really fat toddlers.
45:25 Ahhh pop-tarts...... the Parkinson's afflicted kryptonite
46:34 We really think they could have saved money and had Oliver Platt play the roles of both the brother and the co-worker
49:00 I think Ice Man is gonna hit Maverick. Confrontation between blonde rival pharmaceutical rep and "Maverick" Jake Gyllenhaal. Top Gun Similarity #2.
52:03 Gettin a bit preachy with the Canada stuff here.....SOCIALIZED MEDICINE IS GOOD! AMERICA BAD!! WE GET IT!!
53:45 A bus full of dementia and Alzheimer riddled senior citizens heading to Canada to buy cheap meds has to be the most depressing bus of all time. We really need a tit pick me up.
54:45 Tit pick me up provided....although we can't decide if she's having an orgasm or if that's the Parkinson's?
56:04 Massive Penile Injury? Is there any other kind?
57:45 We can't believe the first bj has taken fifty seven minutes to come to fruition.
58:25 This movie has the worst cinematography. 5 minute discussion of the spelling of cinematography ensues. *Just a side note we both have severe ADHD.....(Cory doesn't but says he does to make Misty feel better).
60:00 MONTAGE!!!
60:01 It makes us soooo angry when they get non-Parkinson's people to play Parkinson's patients....."What do you mean shaky people? hnnhhh!" - Robert Downey Jr's cameo appearance was a surprise.
61:00 Pause in the action ....we just found out about the casey anthony verdict.....it's decided that we'd rather talk about Anne Hathaway's boobs.
62:00 2 minute pause while we consider a Broke Back Mountain/Love and Other Drugs mashup trailer.
63:00 Did he just do the "I'm dangerous" and click his teeth? If he says "you can be my wing man anytime " at the end of the movie, We will be soo not upset. Top Gun Similarity #3
64:30 If this bed's a shakin....get some more meds
67:00 This scene is too personal....the poor brother is caught masturbating. Stories THAT SHALL NOT LEAVE THIS APARTMENT are exchanged. Apologies issued...etc, etc....
69:27 As Anne struggles to open a pill bottle we wonder why aren't Parkinson's patient's pills kept in bowls? We don't have Parkinson's and it's hard for both of us to open up bottles.
73:00 Interesting point, how much was spent on the ruining of overalls on this movie? That's like 17 pairs so far. Is this the reason they couldn't cast Jack Black as the brother? The overall budget just ran too far over?
74:06 As Anne beats Jake down with a verbal assault we think this scene is the equivalent of a child throwing a rock at a dog to get it to leave ...yet with very shaky aim.
75:12 Parkinson's open mic night .....this thing on?
76:17 We've reached the point where we feel like we're being tricked now... We've been lured into caring about Parkinson's through Anne Hathaway's tits.
77:14 Seriously....who hurt you movie writer? Who hurt you?
77:30 Where's the tossed salad? - Parkinson's Conference buffet table humor.
81:30 Still with the StarTAC? I mean he has a Porsche?!?!!?
82:30 Over twenty minutes since our last boob....slowly losing interest...
84:13 "I'll need to get better in order for you to love me?" Totes busted......It's been decided, both Misty and Cory are emotionally dead inside.
88:17 Even though they were in a bra....we're back on track with the boobies.
89:14 How confident do you have to be to eat a sucker at a party? I've never been in any situation where I thought "Man I would look so much cooler with a sucker?"
90:45 Threesome scene.... and this just became the best movie ever.
91:37 Bullshit on that reaction....NO ONE leaves a threesome with a boner...even if it's life threatening.
95:02 Kevin Bacon just got dissed so hard.
95:47 Another "What's shakin?" opportunity missed.
101:01 Only one person on this bus is going to remember this speech.
104;00 The emotional impact of this scene has left us speechless.....or we just remembered the cookies from lunch.
105:17 Unfortunately due to your advanced Parkinson's im gonna need you to answer verbally...I can't tell if that's a yes or no
107:00 They really should've been playin Jenga there.
End Credits.....
We conclude that Regina Spektor had Parkinson's when she sang this song......
So this concludes our live blog of Love and Other Drugs. We hope you enjoyed it as much as we enjoyed doing it. (That's what she said).
And to prove we're not total jerks....below you'll find a link to donate to help research Parkinson's
This is our first attempt at live blogging. We've both done some tape-delay gigs in the past but the real money is in "live events". Most likely you won't understand any of what follows if you haven't seen the movie Love and Other Drugs. Obviously the best way to read this is while watching the movie. Also, if you could not have anyone close to you that has Parkinson's would be another good way to watch it. . We both know this is a horrible disease....we both also have sick, twisted senses of humor....so there's your warning. We are not claiming to be good people or good writers....so please enjoy.
00:00 Cory's suggestion to watch the movie topless in honor of the impending breast bonanza is denied.
00:01 Rated R for rots of roobies - Scooby Doo doing the ratings announcement
1:12 What's up with the boom box? Is this Jake Gyllenhall - N - Play?
2:50 This is the first time anyone's ever fucked to the song "Two Princes"
4:57 A budget of 35 million dollars and that's the best actor you can pull for the brother? Assuming Jack Black was unavailable?
*I will say his role was probably the most enjoyable of the movie.
7:14 I know this movie takes place in 1994 but where did they find a StarTAC that still worked?
7:45 Join us Monday nights at 830 TLC for "The Pfizer Cheerleader Tryouts"
8:45 In a twist that was seen by literally everyone that has watched the movie...our main character Jake Gyllenhaal sleeps with the Pfizer instructor. Top Gun Similarity #1
9:00 Oliver Platt was available...shocker
13:04 "No one ever got laid goin dutch"...unless you're in Holland
14:30 Cory is disappointed that there's still no boobs...well actually Misty is disappointed too.
14:45 Calling a black receptionist "Stonewall"?....too soon
16:50 Apparently there's lots of mouth kissing in the drug rep world.
20:15 And the battle of the eyebrows commences....it's like 4 woolly caterpilars up there.
21:00 I wonder if Anne Hathaway and Steven Tyler ever had a taco eating contest. Seriously mesmerized by the size of that mouth.
21:30 BOOB
21:30 Paused while high-fives were exchanged.
21:32 Cory's suggestion to go topless the rest of the movie is denied.....again.
24:30 Brother's internet porn addiction? Neither Cory or Misty see a problem. Shocker.
26:16 Apparently Anne Hathaway shops barefoot at Wal-Mart.
27:00 Two black people outside a coffee shop with a pit bull?....so cliche
27:30 "You know what happens to cure Parkinson's ? Myyyy Cock..." Not actually in the movie. Guess who said it? (Cory said it)
28:00 We've decided Anne Hathaway has a floating jaw....like a boa constrictor eating an ostrich egg.
29:00 Parkinson's sex looks very stressful.
30:00 Wow.....I think we just saw what Jake Gyllenhaal had for lunch...by looking through his anus. Little much there Mr. Cinematographer.
31:00 We both agree at this point we would have texted a person we were dating that had Parkinson's with the following text like 87 times by now ..."What's shakin?"
31:30 Gay black cowboy at the coffee shop?...So cliche.
31:45 Misty lists the four stages of terminal cirrhosis : "my mom, my dad, my uncle , my grandpa"
33:00 Love being discussed...."Actually it was my 5th grade teacher, ever heard of Mary Kay Le Torneau? We had to move. I almost died from giving too many high fives."
38:55 Oh lord the talk...real feelings...need more boobs asap....losing interest
40:56 Parkinson's has to help in the hand job department....I mean all you really have to get is a semi-grip.
41:42 Are her boobs big or is it that she's skinny? Ladies and gentleman we present you with "The Boob Paradox." 5 minutes elapse whilst on pause....long discussion with the ultimate conclusion of that it doesn't really matter, they're still nice tits.
42:15 I wonder if Gyllenhall ever had Broke Back flashbacks? Who has better tits? Heath Ledger or Hathaway?
43:40 As Anne Hathaway lays seductively on the couch in only Jake Gyllenhaal's button up shirt, Cory theorizes that girls wearing a guys shirt and nothing else = super hot....guys wearing a shirt and nothing else just look like really fat toddlers.
45:25 Ahhh pop-tarts...... the Parkinson's afflicted kryptonite
46:34 We really think they could have saved money and had Oliver Platt play the roles of both the brother and the co-worker
49:00 I think Ice Man is gonna hit Maverick. Confrontation between blonde rival pharmaceutical rep and "Maverick" Jake Gyllenhaal. Top Gun Similarity #2.
52:03 Gettin a bit preachy with the Canada stuff here.....SOCIALIZED MEDICINE IS GOOD! AMERICA BAD!! WE GET IT!!
53:45 A bus full of dementia and Alzheimer riddled senior citizens heading to Canada to buy cheap meds has to be the most depressing bus of all time. We really need a tit pick me up.
54:45 Tit pick me up provided....although we can't decide if she's having an orgasm or if that's the Parkinson's?
56:04 Massive Penile Injury? Is there any other kind?
57:45 We can't believe the first bj has taken fifty seven minutes to come to fruition.
58:25 This movie has the worst cinematography. 5 minute discussion of the spelling of cinematography ensues. *Just a side note we both have severe ADHD.....(Cory doesn't but says he does to make Misty feel better).
60:00 MONTAGE!!!
60:01 It makes us soooo angry when they get non-Parkinson's people to play Parkinson's patients....."What do you mean shaky people? hnnhhh!" - Robert Downey Jr's cameo appearance was a surprise.
61:00 Pause in the action ....we just found out about the casey anthony verdict.....it's decided that we'd rather talk about Anne Hathaway's boobs.
62:00 2 minute pause while we consider a Broke Back Mountain/Love and Other Drugs mashup trailer.
63:00 Did he just do the "I'm dangerous" and click his teeth? If he says "you can be my wing man anytime " at the end of the movie, We will be soo not upset. Top Gun Similarity #3
64:30 If this bed's a shakin....get some more meds
67:00 This scene is too personal....the poor brother is caught masturbating. Stories THAT SHALL NOT LEAVE THIS APARTMENT are exchanged. Apologies issued...etc, etc....
69:27 As Anne struggles to open a pill bottle we wonder why aren't Parkinson's patient's pills kept in bowls? We don't have Parkinson's and it's hard for both of us to open up bottles.
73:00 Interesting point, how much was spent on the ruining of overalls on this movie? That's like 17 pairs so far. Is this the reason they couldn't cast Jack Black as the brother? The overall budget just ran too far over?
74:06 As Anne beats Jake down with a verbal assault we think this scene is the equivalent of a child throwing a rock at a dog to get it to leave ...yet with very shaky aim.
75:12 Parkinson's open mic night .....this thing on?
76:17 We've reached the point where we feel like we're being tricked now... We've been lured into caring about Parkinson's through Anne Hathaway's tits.
77:14 Seriously....who hurt you movie writer? Who hurt you?
77:30 Where's the tossed salad? - Parkinson's Conference buffet table humor.
81:30 Still with the StarTAC? I mean he has a Porsche?!?!!?
82:30 Over twenty minutes since our last boob....slowly losing interest...
84:13 "I'll need to get better in order for you to love me?" Totes busted......It's been decided, both Misty and Cory are emotionally dead inside.
88:17 Even though they were in a bra....we're back on track with the boobies.
89:14 How confident do you have to be to eat a sucker at a party? I've never been in any situation where I thought "Man I would look so much cooler with a sucker?"
90:45 Threesome scene.... and this just became the best movie ever.
91:37 Bullshit on that reaction....NO ONE leaves a threesome with a boner...even if it's life threatening.
95:02 Kevin Bacon just got dissed so hard.
95:47 Another "What's shakin?" opportunity missed.
101:01 Only one person on this bus is going to remember this speech.
104;00 The emotional impact of this scene has left us speechless.....or we just remembered the cookies from lunch.
105:17 Unfortunately due to your advanced Parkinson's im gonna need you to answer verbally...I can't tell if that's a yes or no
107:00 They really should've been playin Jenga there.
End Credits.....
We conclude that Regina Spektor had Parkinson's when she sang this song......
So this concludes our live blog of Love and Other Drugs. We hope you enjoyed it as much as we enjoyed doing it. (That's what she said).
And to prove we're not total jerks....below you'll find a link to donate to help research Parkinson's
To Mrs. Trotter, With Love
Immediately after someone passes away it begins. The romanticising. What they did wrong becomes a 'quirk', all they did right becomes heroic and if there were ever any hurt feelings, they soon fall to the wayside and memories of the good times are recalled with ease and joy. This helps us heal and move forward. Janet is no different. She had her quirks and her shortcomings that we'll all smooth over to remember her in a more perfect light.
In the short time I knew her, she was never anything less than larger than life. The fact that she's gone leaves me aching for a little bit of her sunshine in the form of a loud laugh, a sweet hug or some offhand observation that could only have come from Janet's brain. She was encouragement when everyone else said it was a bad idea. When everyone else was begging me to put down the beer and come down from the edge of the deck, Janet was cheering me on and telling me I could totally do a cartwheel up there...Her Dane had built it sturdy and she was sure it would hold my weight.
She laughed it off when, after she had bedded down for one of her world famous 'power naps', we completely rearranged the decor in her living room and kitchen. She had to spend the next day putting everything back into it's place. She only giggled when the very next weekend she awoke to find we'd dug her Christmas decorations out of her attic, including a 4" tall snowman and put them up around the fireplace. But the third time she fell asleep and we went a little wild at her place, she sent us a grossly inappropriate and pissy text the next morning that had us all in stitches.
She was the type of person who said, 'Dane, change the music, the neighbors are gonna think we hate black people!' when he played too much Lynard Skynard. And, 'the bigger the hair, the closer you are to God!' She was a hoot. She was a card. She was a pill. She was a hot mess. But she was our hot mess.
She loved teaching and she loved her kids. The thought of making a difference in their lives was a point of pride for her. My son was one of her students and I can honestly say from a parents perspective, that he was lucky to have someone who cared the way she did.
Janet, know that I appreciate more than I can put into words your kindness and concern for me and my family. I will miss you and will never again be able to hear a Jagged Edge song without laughing so hard I pee my pants a little.
In the short time I knew her, she was never anything less than larger than life. The fact that she's gone leaves me aching for a little bit of her sunshine in the form of a loud laugh, a sweet hug or some offhand observation that could only have come from Janet's brain. She was encouragement when everyone else said it was a bad idea. When everyone else was begging me to put down the beer and come down from the edge of the deck, Janet was cheering me on and telling me I could totally do a cartwheel up there...Her Dane had built it sturdy and she was sure it would hold my weight.
She laughed it off when, after she had bedded down for one of her world famous 'power naps', we completely rearranged the decor in her living room and kitchen. She had to spend the next day putting everything back into it's place. She only giggled when the very next weekend she awoke to find we'd dug her Christmas decorations out of her attic, including a 4" tall snowman and put them up around the fireplace. But the third time she fell asleep and we went a little wild at her place, she sent us a grossly inappropriate and pissy text the next morning that had us all in stitches.
She was the type of person who said, 'Dane, change the music, the neighbors are gonna think we hate black people!' when he played too much Lynard Skynard. And, 'the bigger the hair, the closer you are to God!' She was a hoot. She was a card. She was a pill. She was a hot mess. But she was our hot mess.
She loved teaching and she loved her kids. The thought of making a difference in their lives was a point of pride for her. My son was one of her students and I can honestly say from a parents perspective, that he was lucky to have someone who cared the way she did.
Janet, know that I appreciate more than I can put into words your kindness and concern for me and my family. I will miss you and will never again be able to hear a Jagged Edge song without laughing so hard I pee my pants a little.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Nearly 30, Nearly Sane
- My friends and I are all either 30 or rolling up on it and some of the things im observing are odd to say the least. Just for the sake of easing everyones mind, im gonna list a few things ive seen, thought and felt that I was shocked, humbled and worried by.
Wrinkles suck and they show up years before you imagined they would, yet acne is still kinda hanging around, too. You havent been pissed off with your skin until you've woken up and noticed a zit NEXT TO a laugh line or your crows feet.
We're old enough to have been through marriages, children and divorces. You either know someone who's divorced or you are yourself. No judgment, just an observation. Odd part? From time to time, ive been known to be a bit jealous of a friend because I know she no longer has to watch ESPN or Legend of the Seeker marathons on SYFY AND gets every other weekend kid free. Bitch.
As a teenager, you probably had some idea of where you wanted to be in your life circa age 30...and you're not even in the same ballpark. I fancied myself an inspiring mix of H.S. Thompson and the early 90's cast of SNL. Turns out, the only thing we have in common is that the word 'tragedy' always comes up when people talk about us.
Im an asshole and no amount of age, wisdom and knowing better is gonna change that. People dont change.
You've hopefuly realized that you either have great parents and appreciate them or accept them for what they are: A walking 'what not to do' manual. Gotta stop wasting your precious time with mommy issues. At this point, you have more important things to concern yourself with. Things like, whether or not to buy a burner cell phone just to have an untraceable way to stalk and harass people to make yourself feel better. Putting other people down really does help. It's an old wives tale that it hurts you more than it hurts them. True story.
You kinda hate your kids. Whatever little bit of soul and sanity you have managed to preserve until now gets whittled at everytime they ask you why they cant have an iphone. YOU'RE FUCKING 9 YEARS OLD! THATS WHY! (Side note: if your nine yr old has an iphone, you're sucking at life even harder than originally thought. look into that.)
The full ramifications of how stupid you were as a young adult bitch slap you daily. Your thighs rub together more now than they ever have, but 20lbs ago, all you did was gripe about your thighs. I wish Id have learned by now to not waste my energy on that shit and instead, focus on not wrecking my car trying to decide whether or not to turn into the Krispy Kreme or keep driving because the Sr. High track team is running a few feet in front of my car. Mama likes...
Men are as unfathomable today as they were 15 years ago. You've met someone, settled down, popped out some kids and spent more than a few nights trying to convince yourself that if you kill him, the CSI's will catch you. But your plan to turn lesbian really doesnt hold water because earlier in the week a 24yr old boy at Lowes looked your way and when he walked by, you literally growled out loud a little bit and had to take cold showers twice a day for a while.
In conclusion, the 30's are a slippery slope. You're still a dumbass but dont have the luxury of blaming it on being young and dumb or the firm thighs to distract people from obvious shortcomings. I say fuck it. My youth was misspent...why stop now.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Facebook Profiling
Ladies and Gentlemen, I proudly present to you the worlds first 'Filing System' for crazies on FB. After many late nights spent breaking down the insanity that composes 98% of Facebook posts, Ive created a taxonomy of sorts to help you wade through the nut jobs. Im confident ALL of the crazy people on your page will fall into one of these 5 basic categories:
1. PAN's (Passive Aggressive Nightmares): These are truly the most annoying and arguably the most entertaining to read. There is always someone wronging them and they are ALWAYS gonna tell you all about it..via FB. If they had a fight with their husband/wife/boss/sister/cousin/gas station attendant, you will know about it. No one appreciates them and they are PISSED about it. Do yourself a solid and NEVER comment on these posts. Your words of consolation are like heroin to these attention whores. Do not be an enabler. Read the post, laugh, move on.
2. The Friend Collector: They need a fan club. They want you to be among the 1108 people they annoy on a daily basis. You met once at Zaxby's or you know their cousins cousin and now you have to wade through 17 updates a day because this asshole has made Foursquare their full time job. My advice? Accept the friend request and then delete them from your page in 4 days. (That's about how long it will take them to forget about you and your meeting). My best advice? Ignore the friend request altogether.
3. The CREEPY Friend Collector: He's creepy because you dont know him but you have a mutual friend. You look at his page to see if something will jog your memory but nothing does. Then you notice it. He has 956 friends and none of them are dudes. At first you're flattered that he thought you were pretty enough to add to his harem, but then you come back to your senses and realize you dont want any part of this STD laden freak. Hasta La Vista Douchebag..
4.The FaceBook Fakers: Oh, you know them...They make you want to shoot them in the face with an automatic weapon. The 'I love you so much, you make my life worth living, no one knows me/treats me/loves me the way you do' assholes. Seriously, stop gushing about your perfect love or you'll be gushing blood from your corotid, because im about to knife you. Best/worst part of it all? You know that they are truly one of the most disfunctional couples you've ever known or even seen on Springer. Facebook Tip: Hide them before they force you to kill them.
5. The Unshakeables: You've deleted them more than three times from your page and they just wont stop sending those friend requests. They 'like' every post and have an asinine comment for most all your status updates. You're constantly having to delete their comments from your pictures. They've friend requested everyone on your page and you're tired of having to explain how you know them and why you're friends with them. They are like ticks, only worse because you cant flush them down the toilet.
1. PAN's (Passive Aggressive Nightmares): These are truly the most annoying and arguably the most entertaining to read. There is always someone wronging them and they are ALWAYS gonna tell you all about it..via FB. If they had a fight with their husband/wife/boss/sister/cousin/gas station attendant, you will know about it. No one appreciates them and they are PISSED about it. Do yourself a solid and NEVER comment on these posts. Your words of consolation are like heroin to these attention whores. Do not be an enabler. Read the post, laugh, move on.
2. The Friend Collector: They need a fan club. They want you to be among the 1108 people they annoy on a daily basis. You met once at Zaxby's or you know their cousins cousin and now you have to wade through 17 updates a day because this asshole has made Foursquare their full time job. My advice? Accept the friend request and then delete them from your page in 4 days. (That's about how long it will take them to forget about you and your meeting). My best advice? Ignore the friend request altogether.
3. The CREEPY Friend Collector: He's creepy because you dont know him but you have a mutual friend. You look at his page to see if something will jog your memory but nothing does. Then you notice it. He has 956 friends and none of them are dudes. At first you're flattered that he thought you were pretty enough to add to his harem, but then you come back to your senses and realize you dont want any part of this STD laden freak. Hasta La Vista Douchebag..
4.The FaceBook Fakers: Oh, you know them...They make you want to shoot them in the face with an automatic weapon. The 'I love you so much, you make my life worth living, no one knows me/treats me/loves me the way you do' assholes. Seriously, stop gushing about your perfect love or you'll be gushing blood from your corotid, because im about to knife you. Best/worst part of it all? You know that they are truly one of the most disfunctional couples you've ever known or even seen on Springer. Facebook Tip: Hide them before they force you to kill them.
5. The Unshakeables: You've deleted them more than three times from your page and they just wont stop sending those friend requests. They 'like' every post and have an asinine comment for most all your status updates. You're constantly having to delete their comments from your pictures. They've friend requested everyone on your page and you're tired of having to explain how you know them and why you're friends with them. They are like ticks, only worse because you cant flush them down the toilet.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Baby Daddy Drama
Dear Spinning Bike at World Gym,
This letter is to inform you that during a particularly intense cadio workout today, im pretty sure you bruised my lady parts and quite possibly impregnated me. I have an appointment with my ob/gyn to get tested this coming Tues. Since I refuse to make my ass look any fatter by wearing padded bike shorts, im afraid this will be the end of our relationship.
Now, Im willing to overlook the swelling and discomfort, however, should the pregnancy test come back positive, I feel I should let you know i've decided not to have it. Chad would never accept a 10 speed as his own and we live in a small town. Everyone would talk. 'Did you know Misty Mills is having ANOTHER baby!?! Yeah, I hear the father is some bike she only rode one time at the gym...' Im just not strong enough. The world isnt ready for a love like ours.
I hope in time you'll be able to forgive me and put this ordeal behind you.
All of my love -
Misty
This letter is to inform you that during a particularly intense cadio workout today, im pretty sure you bruised my lady parts and quite possibly impregnated me. I have an appointment with my ob/gyn to get tested this coming Tues. Since I refuse to make my ass look any fatter by wearing padded bike shorts, im afraid this will be the end of our relationship.
Now, Im willing to overlook the swelling and discomfort, however, should the pregnancy test come back positive, I feel I should let you know i've decided not to have it. Chad would never accept a 10 speed as his own and we live in a small town. Everyone would talk. 'Did you know Misty Mills is having ANOTHER baby!?! Yeah, I hear the father is some bike she only rode one time at the gym...' Im just not strong enough. The world isnt ready for a love like ours.
I hope in time you'll be able to forgive me and put this ordeal behind you.
All of my love -
Misty
Monday, March 14, 2011
Before and After Shock
Rough day at the gym. Workout went off without a hitch but I decided to take my BEFORE pics today and that really came back to bite me in my dimply ass.
Before heading out of the dressing room, Rhonda and I stepped into a private area where all the modest folks change and pulled the curtain. Que nearly nude photo shoot, complete with giggling and ridiculous poses. (Clearly, this had to be done so that I may track my progress and not because we're creepy idiots.) Anyway, we do the photo deed and scamper off to 'get shredded'. (AKA - take turns pointing and laughing at each other as we do a few reps on the machine that works your inner thigh)
Enter dumb girl we went to highschool with. Rhonda's pretty much indifferent to her but I have never been a huge fan so let the stinkeye and petty picking apart of this girls entire existence commence.
Two hours later we're exhausted and I head to the locker room. Rhonda bails to tan for a few minutes, so Im alone.. I plop down on the bench with my back to the door and snag my phone from my locker. Check my texts, ignore some calls and decide to flip through the before pics to see just what im workin with. Bad call, Mills. Who walks up behind me just as I get to the pic of my bare, pasty ass and back fat? Oh yeah, Dumb Highschool Girl.
Im pretty sure I heard her gasp. Two possible scenarios: She realizes it was me and is wondering why im looking at naked pics of myself. Or, she didnt notice it was me and she thinks I was ogling pics of some other naked chick...*single tear*
Karma - 10, 976 Misty - 0
Before heading out of the dressing room, Rhonda and I stepped into a private area where all the modest folks change and pulled the curtain. Que nearly nude photo shoot, complete with giggling and ridiculous poses. (Clearly, this had to be done so that I may track my progress and not because we're creepy idiots.) Anyway, we do the photo deed and scamper off to 'get shredded'. (AKA - take turns pointing and laughing at each other as we do a few reps on the machine that works your inner thigh)
Enter dumb girl we went to highschool with. Rhonda's pretty much indifferent to her but I have never been a huge fan so let the stinkeye and petty picking apart of this girls entire existence commence.
Two hours later we're exhausted and I head to the locker room. Rhonda bails to tan for a few minutes, so Im alone.. I plop down on the bench with my back to the door and snag my phone from my locker. Check my texts, ignore some calls and decide to flip through the before pics to see just what im workin with. Bad call, Mills. Who walks up behind me just as I get to the pic of my bare, pasty ass and back fat? Oh yeah, Dumb Highschool Girl.
Im pretty sure I heard her gasp. Two possible scenarios: She realizes it was me and is wondering why im looking at naked pics of myself. Or, she didnt notice it was me and she thinks I was ogling pics of some other naked chick...*single tear*
Karma - 10, 976 Misty - 0
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Surviving the Death of Your Metabolism
I've forgotten what day we're on at the gym. It's all a blur of painful kettle bell exercises, treadmill accidents and strange looks from the gym staff.
Since I skipped the workout on my birthday and consumed somewhere in the ballpark of 27,000 calories, today it was back to business as usual. Back to bustin my arse so that my pants will no longer force me to choose between a muffin top or camel toe every single day. That's a hard decision that no one should ever have to make. (If you pull your jeans up over the muffin top, you have raging camel toe. Leave them down around the hips and boom, MT..) Now, rest assured, muffin top always wins, but lets be honest: NO one wins with muffin top.
Just recently they have laid out a giant rope in the kickboxing room of my gym (Biggest Loser style) and I know it's for exercising, but all I ever want to do is attempt double dutch with this thing. Bad idea. Rhonda makes me go first, of course, and even though being the guinea pig has literally caused me bodily injury and broken teeth in the past, I still agreed. (That's on me, I know.) After she gets them moving and I feel out a pretty good rhythm, I hop in. One of the ropes (about 2 friggin inches in diameter) hits me on the back of the neck and nearly snapped my spine. I called uncle and made her switch. Since Im incredibly strong and managed to get the ropes moving at a really nice arc for her to run through, she gets to the other side unscathed..That is until she runs face first into a heavy bag. BAM! IN THE FACE! Like she forgot there were 14 of these things hanging like a heavybag forest on the other side of the ropes. Oh well. We're both in pain, so it's officially time to move on.
To 'Giant Exercise Ball Vollyball' that is...She served up a pretty sweet lob and just as I was spiking it back across the room, some meat head comes in and looks at us like we're insane. He walks right over to the 45lb kettle bell weight and asks us if he can use it. Neither of us could pick it up off the ground. It might as well have been a VW bug sitting there. Oh well, we need to stop the shenanigans and start our work out for real, anyway.
A solid hour of cardio later, we'd successfully narrated an unsuspecting mans workout with porn voices Mystery Science Theater 2000 style, laughed in the face of a dude wearing water socks (river shoes) and a bright purple tank top and spit water out of our noses after seeing a small child fall backwards off the treadmill next to us. (she was fine, stop judging!)
Now, of course Im sorry the treadmill gods decided to take a child in my place today but I have no control over their wicked ways.. And you'd have laughed too if you saw it.
Since I skipped the workout on my birthday and consumed somewhere in the ballpark of 27,000 calories, today it was back to business as usual. Back to bustin my arse so that my pants will no longer force me to choose between a muffin top or camel toe every single day. That's a hard decision that no one should ever have to make. (If you pull your jeans up over the muffin top, you have raging camel toe. Leave them down around the hips and boom, MT..) Now, rest assured, muffin top always wins, but lets be honest: NO one wins with muffin top.
Just recently they have laid out a giant rope in the kickboxing room of my gym (Biggest Loser style) and I know it's for exercising, but all I ever want to do is attempt double dutch with this thing. Bad idea. Rhonda makes me go first, of course, and even though being the guinea pig has literally caused me bodily injury and broken teeth in the past, I still agreed. (That's on me, I know.) After she gets them moving and I feel out a pretty good rhythm, I hop in. One of the ropes (about 2 friggin inches in diameter) hits me on the back of the neck and nearly snapped my spine. I called uncle and made her switch. Since Im incredibly strong and managed to get the ropes moving at a really nice arc for her to run through, she gets to the other side unscathed..That is until she runs face first into a heavy bag. BAM! IN THE FACE! Like she forgot there were 14 of these things hanging like a heavybag forest on the other side of the ropes. Oh well. We're both in pain, so it's officially time to move on.
To 'Giant Exercise Ball Vollyball' that is...She served up a pretty sweet lob and just as I was spiking it back across the room, some meat head comes in and looks at us like we're insane. He walks right over to the 45lb kettle bell weight and asks us if he can use it. Neither of us could pick it up off the ground. It might as well have been a VW bug sitting there. Oh well, we need to stop the shenanigans and start our work out for real, anyway.
A solid hour of cardio later, we'd successfully narrated an unsuspecting mans workout with porn voices Mystery Science Theater 2000 style, laughed in the face of a dude wearing water socks (river shoes) and a bright purple tank top and spit water out of our noses after seeing a small child fall backwards off the treadmill next to us. (she was fine, stop judging!)
Now, of course Im sorry the treadmill gods decided to take a child in my place today but I have no control over their wicked ways.. And you'd have laughed too if you saw it.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Weight Loss Woes
Day 1: Procured a workout partner in crime. Rhonda has a membership to the same gym, so we agree to hold each other accountable. She shows me around a little. I mount an eliptical for the first time and end the session by flinging myself wildly off the back of said machine into an occupied treadmill. Damn it.
Day 2: Head to gym in stretchy pants and Chad's tshirt bc nothing else fits/conceals my giant ass. Sit backwards or sideways on most of the equipment. Severely strain my muffin top on one of the ab machines. Vow that the insanity stops here and to come back everyday until Im waif thin and buff enough to snap Chuck Norris' head off with my pinky.
Day 3: Get up early and head to the store to buy new workout clothes. I buy the least expensive pair of workout pants for two reasons. 1. they are gonna wear out QUICK due to the lack of steel reinforced mesh panels on the inner thigh. (Maybe they could use Kevlar instead, but i doubt it wicks away the moisture like you'd want it to and swamp ass is the worst.) 2. Hopefully I'll be dropping some lb's and will need a smaller size in the near future.
Day 4: Make pact with Rhonda to not buy any new clothes until we're able to buy a size that doesnt make us want to punch newborn babies in the face. She puts me in the sauna for first time. UGH! It's hot and there is nothing to do in that wooden box of hell fire. She gets tired of me spraying her in the face with the water bottle fairly quickly. Three minutes into it im dying and stripping like she's got a wad of singles in her sports bra. Oh, and we have to keep our underwear on or cover up with a towel? Would have been nice to know that before this nice lady came in. Hello ma'am. Please stop staring at my vagina.
Day 5: Fuck the gym.
Day 6: Hoping today would be the first day I didnt bust my ass on the treadmill. No such luck. 'Treadmill rash' is worse than road rash bc now im chubby and uncoordinated and bleeding. Cross your fingers it scabs nicely and heals clean. I cannot figure out why I feel the need to jump off the moving treadmill instead of pressing the stop button and waiting for it to slow. It's like my feet have ADD and just have to show their ass while we're in public. Maybe tomorrow's my day...
Day 2: Head to gym in stretchy pants and Chad's tshirt bc nothing else fits/conceals my giant ass. Sit backwards or sideways on most of the equipment. Severely strain my muffin top on one of the ab machines. Vow that the insanity stops here and to come back everyday until Im waif thin and buff enough to snap Chuck Norris' head off with my pinky.
Day 3: Get up early and head to the store to buy new workout clothes. I buy the least expensive pair of workout pants for two reasons. 1. they are gonna wear out QUICK due to the lack of steel reinforced mesh panels on the inner thigh. (Maybe they could use Kevlar instead, but i doubt it wicks away the moisture like you'd want it to and swamp ass is the worst.) 2. Hopefully I'll be dropping some lb's and will need a smaller size in the near future.
Day 4: Make pact with Rhonda to not buy any new clothes until we're able to buy a size that doesnt make us want to punch newborn babies in the face. She puts me in the sauna for first time. UGH! It's hot and there is nothing to do in that wooden box of hell fire. She gets tired of me spraying her in the face with the water bottle fairly quickly. Three minutes into it im dying and stripping like she's got a wad of singles in her sports bra. Oh, and we have to keep our underwear on or cover up with a towel? Would have been nice to know that before this nice lady came in. Hello ma'am. Please stop staring at my vagina.
Day 5: Fuck the gym.
Day 6: Hoping today would be the first day I didnt bust my ass on the treadmill. No such luck. 'Treadmill rash' is worse than road rash bc now im chubby and uncoordinated and bleeding. Cross your fingers it scabs nicely and heals clean. I cannot figure out why I feel the need to jump off the moving treadmill instead of pressing the stop button and waiting for it to slow. It's like my feet have ADD and just have to show their ass while we're in public. Maybe tomorrow's my day...
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Hey There, Wait a Minute Mr. Postman...
This letter is to Tom, my mailman.
Dearest Tom,
It has become painfully clear to me that you take more than the usual amount of interest in the personal lives of those you serve on your route. In order to keep you from any more sleepless nights, im giving you the inside scoop on the Mills family. My hope is that our family's comings and goings will no longer be a mystery to you and all the time you spend milking my good friend for information can now be put to better use sorting and delivering the mail. (You know, the job which you are actually compensated for.)
I got knocked up in high school. For a while I was a bitter, hateful bitch that would rather tell someone to go die in a fire than to say 'hi'. (I know the looks you get when you pull up to my box would lead you to believe not much has changed, but rest assured, I am alot nicer nowdays. Just not to you. ) At 19 I met my husband Chad and he made an honest(ish) woman of me. He's a good man with no strange fetishes or garrish secrets in his past, but you already know that, don't ya, Tom? If his lack of receiving porn through the mail leads you to believe he must be an 'internet' man, I'd like to cordially invite you over some Sunday for dinner and a 'browser history check' as a show of good faith. Im pretty sure the Postal Service's motto is, "Leave no stone unturned in the personal lives of those on your route", and I just want to help you help yourself... to a big ol' helping of my personal life.
Chad and I love each other and for the past 10 years have made a life together, most of which has been spent in WF. Our marriage is good but far from storybook. We've lost jobs, gone through a bankruptcy, suffered the loss of beloved family members under tragic circumstances, and struggled with the day to day stresses of being married with three kids. We argue. Not violently and never for long, but sometimes I wake up pissy or Chad has a crappy day at work and we get into it. No guns or knives are drawn so i consider us 'normal' in that department. Our sex life is great. We enjoy 3-5 romps a week, kids and schedules permitting. I still think he's cute and he still whistles and slaps my butt when he see's me naked. I think that's nice, don't you, Tom?
Our sons are good kids. We try to raise them right but who knows. I guess we'll find out about our kids like everyone else does. Do our best, wait for them to grow up and hope to God that they are kind and caring or at least smart enough to hide the bodies well. I sure hope they have been respectful to you in the past.
Now me, on the other hand, I don't like you. I think you need to mind your own damn business and start acting more like a middle aged man and less like a 15 yr old girl sniffing around for a fresh bit for the schools gossip column. Next time you have a question about me or my family, do me a favor. Place my mail in the box, drive straight into town and get a fucking life of your own.
Sincerely,
Misty Mills
Dearest Tom,
It has become painfully clear to me that you take more than the usual amount of interest in the personal lives of those you serve on your route. In order to keep you from any more sleepless nights, im giving you the inside scoop on the Mills family. My hope is that our family's comings and goings will no longer be a mystery to you and all the time you spend milking my good friend for information can now be put to better use sorting and delivering the mail. (You know, the job which you are actually compensated for.)
I got knocked up in high school. For a while I was a bitter, hateful bitch that would rather tell someone to go die in a fire than to say 'hi'. (I know the looks you get when you pull up to my box would lead you to believe not much has changed, but rest assured, I am alot nicer nowdays. Just not to you. ) At 19 I met my husband Chad and he made an honest(ish) woman of me. He's a good man with no strange fetishes or garrish secrets in his past, but you already know that, don't ya, Tom? If his lack of receiving porn through the mail leads you to believe he must be an 'internet' man, I'd like to cordially invite you over some Sunday for dinner and a 'browser history check' as a show of good faith. Im pretty sure the Postal Service's motto is, "Leave no stone unturned in the personal lives of those on your route", and I just want to help you help yourself... to a big ol' helping of my personal life.
Chad and I love each other and for the past 10 years have made a life together, most of which has been spent in WF. Our marriage is good but far from storybook. We've lost jobs, gone through a bankruptcy, suffered the loss of beloved family members under tragic circumstances, and struggled with the day to day stresses of being married with three kids. We argue. Not violently and never for long, but sometimes I wake up pissy or Chad has a crappy day at work and we get into it. No guns or knives are drawn so i consider us 'normal' in that department. Our sex life is great. We enjoy 3-5 romps a week, kids and schedules permitting. I still think he's cute and he still whistles and slaps my butt when he see's me naked. I think that's nice, don't you, Tom?
Our sons are good kids. We try to raise them right but who knows. I guess we'll find out about our kids like everyone else does. Do our best, wait for them to grow up and hope to God that they are kind and caring or at least smart enough to hide the bodies well. I sure hope they have been respectful to you in the past.
Now me, on the other hand, I don't like you. I think you need to mind your own damn business and start acting more like a middle aged man and less like a 15 yr old girl sniffing around for a fresh bit for the schools gossip column. Next time you have a question about me or my family, do me a favor. Place my mail in the box, drive straight into town and get a fucking life of your own.
Sincerely,
Misty Mills
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Cadillacs and Donkey Shows
Once a month I go a wee bit crazy and all the emotions Ive denied having for the past 28 days suddenly come pouring out in strange and unusual ways. Some months it comes and goes without causing much of a problem in my home life and others result in my husband sleeping on the couch of a fat, balding man who works at the grilled cheese shop off the square. This is one of those months...
Chad works from home. The vertically challenged sociopaths I harbor are out of school due to the blizzard and I am cycling like a mofo. Yes, the subject of divorce has been broached however no one is buried in a frosty, shallow grave out back, so Im considering this week a 'win'.
Today, a salesman from Windstream came to my door and Im pretty sure he's at home still hugging his wife after what he saw.
Whenever someone knocks on the door, our little inbred Pomeranian mistake starts to yap uncontrollably. I yell for Andrew to take the damn dog into Alex's room and shut the door. Then I open the front door. Im pissed because it's cold outside and this doucher looks 'slow'. Im wearing gray and green thermal socks, leggings, an oversized tshirt, a lime green robe and I have a large greasy wad on the top of my head. I can only guess that the look on my face was off putting or I smelled. Both are possible. Hell, it could have been a combination of the two. I dont really care. So he begins his pitch about the services they offer and what great deals they are...I just closed the door. But our door is kind of messed up and sometimes it doesnt 'catch' when you shut it. The only way to make sure it's shut is to reopen it and slam it super hard. So not only is this dude forced to go door to door in a damn blizzard, but he got the door slammed in his face twice by possibly the skankiest woman he's ever laid eyes on. (I cant say for sure, but Im crossing my fingers that he's worked in Madison County before and he's seen alot worse.)
Does this happen to anyone else?! Am I the weird chick on the commercial with the gray and fuzzy sad face while all her super hot, skinny friends are drinking colorful cocktails and laughing?! I dont wanna be that girl!
I'd like to go to the doctor and maybe get a pill for this but I'm legitimately worried she's gonna tell me there is no hope aside from electric shock therapy and some sort of 12 step program for assholes.
Here's what I think I need: A really strong drink, a hysterectomy and a time machine that propells me back to the day after Ryan Reynolds broke up with Alanis Morissette... cuz Im sure he was vulnerable and AINT NO WAY im crazier than that bitch! Problem solved. =)
Chad works from home. The vertically challenged sociopaths I harbor are out of school due to the blizzard and I am cycling like a mofo. Yes, the subject of divorce has been broached however no one is buried in a frosty, shallow grave out back, so Im considering this week a 'win'.
Today, a salesman from Windstream came to my door and Im pretty sure he's at home still hugging his wife after what he saw.
Whenever someone knocks on the door, our little inbred Pomeranian mistake starts to yap uncontrollably. I yell for Andrew to take the damn dog into Alex's room and shut the door. Then I open the front door. Im pissed because it's cold outside and this doucher looks 'slow'. Im wearing gray and green thermal socks, leggings, an oversized tshirt, a lime green robe and I have a large greasy wad on the top of my head. I can only guess that the look on my face was off putting or I smelled. Both are possible. Hell, it could have been a combination of the two. I dont really care. So he begins his pitch about the services they offer and what great deals they are...I just closed the door. But our door is kind of messed up and sometimes it doesnt 'catch' when you shut it. The only way to make sure it's shut is to reopen it and slam it super hard. So not only is this dude forced to go door to door in a damn blizzard, but he got the door slammed in his face twice by possibly the skankiest woman he's ever laid eyes on. (I cant say for sure, but Im crossing my fingers that he's worked in Madison County before and he's seen alot worse.)
Does this happen to anyone else?! Am I the weird chick on the commercial with the gray and fuzzy sad face while all her super hot, skinny friends are drinking colorful cocktails and laughing?! I dont wanna be that girl!
I'd like to go to the doctor and maybe get a pill for this but I'm legitimately worried she's gonna tell me there is no hope aside from electric shock therapy and some sort of 12 step program for assholes.
Here's what I think I need: A really strong drink, a hysterectomy and a time machine that propells me back to the day after Ryan Reynolds broke up with Alanis Morissette... cuz Im sure he was vulnerable and AINT NO WAY im crazier than that bitch! Problem solved. =)
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