1. A sit down talk with God. I fancy myself quite the interviewer and Id love nothing more than the opportunity to go all Geraldo on the Almighty. Ive been working on my St Peter impersonation and to see God shoot milk out his nose has always been a personal dream of mine.
2. A Parenting Manual. Children would literally be born with them. The days of trial and error are over. This way every parent in the world goes to bed each night and SLEEPS instead of worrying if they have said or done the wrong thing, created a serial killer or just messed their kid up enough to be on the next season of Jersey Shore instead of going to college...
3. All the women in the world would be blessed with the confidence of a Biker Babe. Everyone wakes up in the morning looking exactly the same as they did the day before, only now, no matter what they look like, they believe they are officially the HAWTEST thing on the planet.
Now, I know that the first two things could NEVER happen, that's why I want to focus on #3. I have never in my life seen a more confident group of people than the Biker Babe community. It would never cross my mind at age 28 to shred a pair of jeans into a thong with pockets, strap on my leather bustier that appears to be from the wardrobe of Stripperella and go out in public. But that is precisely what these women do. And they do it at age 36, 47 and 59. If they werent wearing see-thru mesh leggings, Id say they had balls...
Im also convinced that there is a 'Wheel O Tatts' you have to spin before you are inducted fully into this society. It contains only hearts, roses, names, family portraits and cartoon characters. This is simply a backup way of identifying fellow members. If you happen to miss the fact that they are wearing leather chaps, (with nothing on under them), and a denim vest that was clearly purchased in 1976, any question about their involvement in the Sisterhood of the Oh Geez Please Put On Some Pants can be quickly resolved.
It's not for the faint of heart, folks, but if you can commit to ridiculous tattoos and everything in your closet being too small and made of denim or leather, I think the perks are plentiful. While other women are putting on their size 10 mom jeans, you will be squeezing into your size 3 dukes and your combat boots, rockin' a bustier and in your mind, lookin' damn good while you do it.
Who couldn't benefit from a touch of that mentality? Give yourself a break from the self criticism this weekend. Head on over to BBBQ, watch some ladies of the night owning their muffin tops, camel toes, horrible tattoos and outdated hairstyles, and then cut yourself some slack. I know that's what I'll be doing.
