Why Kids Suck

There is hardly a topic out there that is more easily relatable than parenthood. Most everyone I know has popped out a kid or participated in the process in some form or fashion. You have this little person roaming around your house eating all your best snacks and you love them and they make you feel good about the world. But then sometimes they don't.

Sometimes they just suck. My 14 year old son knows everything. EVERY. FUCKING. THING. All of it. I have never wanted to throat chop anyone so bad in my whole life. His bedroom makes me physically ill. Between the old food that's now morphed into something resembling moldy beef jerky and the shiny, crusty coat of my discarded grand children that covers everything, I cannot bring myself to walk in there. I never claimed to know anything about the life and habits of an adolescent boy, but to say I was shocked at the amount of time spent masturbating is an understatement. We never have any hot water. I cant keep conditioner in the shower. His socks? No words. I keep Pedialyte in the house to make sure he's not getting dehydrated. Do I talk to him about this or even acknowledge the situation in any way? No, because that would make him uncomfortable. I just hang back, try to keep some electrolytes in him and pray that one day he turns back into a person that isn't hell bent on proving everything I say not only incorrect, but the dumbest thing ever said in the history of spoken language.

Lucky for me, I have two other children not currently losing their minds due to puberty. They still suck, though. Alexander is my middle son. He also knows everything. He's ten and swears he is the only one of his friends without an iphone. Someone please alert CPS. I'll admit that I sometimes wonder if my kids will grow up and shoot me in the face with an AK because I didn't cave and get them what they demanded. But most nights I sleep well knowing my children have exceptional muscle tone which I attribute to their trampoline and basketball goal and bikes and organized sports. You're welcome, you non-chubby little ass hats.

I lost my own mind for a while and was convinced to have a 3rd child in hopes of having a sweet, precious baby girl. Nope. Aydin the Hun is no doubt my comeuppance for a terribly lived past life, of which I have no recollection. He is the baby. He is A baby. He sucks. He whines when he doesn't get his way. He doesn't like to wear pants. He refuses to sleep alone. Someone has 'Aydin duty' every night. He doesn't do anything he doesn't want to, no matter how pertinent the task may be to his well being and personal safety. I once had to pull over on the side of the road to strap him back into his booster seat because he kept unbuckling himself. I got back into the van and pulled onto the road, only to be immediately pulled over by an officer and given a ticket for not wearing my seat belt. I'd HAD it on before I got out to fight with my turd kid.
Aydin - 965 Misty - 0

There is no peace. There is no quiet. There is only consequence. This is what I get for not drowning them all in the river like feral cats. Sadly, I'm now deeply affected by an illness known as Stockholm Syndrome. I not only feel love for and sympathize with my captors, occasionally, I find myself ENJOYING their company. I could leave. I could run away. But I won't. I'm their mom and one of these days they'll make me a grandmother. I'm keeping a journal of the terrible shit i'm going to buy and teach their children. I will make them pay. I will get the last laugh.

Misty and Cory's best and worst of 2012

These are just some of the things we thought either made or ruined our year:


One of the things that we looked forward to was the end of the Twilight series movies. No more Team Edward, Team Jacob, or terribly cgi'd werewolves. And most importantly no more Kristen Stewart. We could write another 12,000 words on how much we dislike Kristen Stewart, but we'll spare you. Let's all just rejoice in the fact that she will now quietly fade into oblivion.

We did have positive experiences at the movies this year. Argo, The Hobbit, Moonrise Kingdom, This is 40, Django Unchained, and The Dark Knight Rises all made us laugh, cry, cringe and shit our pants. Some all at the same time).

Really struggled with the segue between movies and TV and we're very distracted with the Throwback Jamz music channel so this is what you're getting. Thankfully the Walking Dead returned to its roots this year and actually featured what made the show popular: nasty, gory, Zombie death porn. Meth and Landry from Friday Night Lights made a triumphant return in this season of Breaking Bad. If you're not watching this show, what's your problem? Meth?

Not that everything we watched on the small screen was great this year *cough* Honey Boo Boo, we're looking at you. When a horrible excuse for a human being and her horrible child become so popular on a TV show that they get their own TV show, you know an apocalypse is imminent. Speaking of apocalypses, Keeping up with the Kardashians will have a new cast member next year: The Antichrist.

Jay-Z and Kanye pretty much ruled the music world this year with Watch the Throne, Blue Ivy and Kim letting Kanye finish. We wonder if they did it "Gangnam Style" (from behind while riding a horse sideways). New music acts, we understand you like Mumford & Sons, EVERYONE likes Mumford & Sons, but just adding a banjo to your song isn't going to make you the next Americana Grammy Winner. Music this year also dropped more sick bass than an uncoordinated fish doctor. We'd rather Skrillex and his contemporaries go back to coating our non-stick cookware.

There were lots of good reads out there this year like Hunger Games of Thrones, but they all pale in comparison to the glorified mom-porn series: Fifty Shades of Grey. The fact that this Twilight fan faction sold over 20 million copies gives us hope that an equal treatment will be given to the Harry Potter series because naked quidditch is something that should exist....outside of our minds.

2012 was the year that the world was supposed to end. The world didn't end, but if you spent any time on Facebook in the Fall, you might've wished it had. From gay marriage, to legalizing pot, to gun control everyone had an opinion but not everyone possessed the mind to rationally discuss on social network sites. We found out more about our friends than we ever wanted to know, but most importantly we found out who were hypocrites, who were developmentally disabled, and who we'd want having our back in a bar fight.

Needless to say, we're glad 2012 is over. But we had to say it so that you would know when to stop reading.