If Violence Isn't The Answer, You're Not Asking The Right Question.

Dear Skinny Bitches:

Let me start by letting you know this rant is nothing personal. I've just been feeling really crappy about myself lately and my laziness coupled with my residence in a college town is creating nothing shy of an innate urge go Mel Gibson on SB's. Again, it's not you, Skinny Bitches, it's me.

Hear me out though, because I feel there may be middle ground for us to converge on.

I get it. You're skinny and firm and young and life is good. Really, I do understand. I was there myself just a few years back. But there is one small difference between us and I feel this issue needs to be ironed out before someone gets their SB neck snapped and I end up doing hard time.

Please stop rubbing it in my face. Im gonna have to respectfully request that you not frequent malls or grocery stores between the hours of 8am and 9pm.

Lay off the booty shorts! I mean, those cute little muffins barely covered by the thinest layer of cotton imaginable are nice and all, but it's not truly an ass until it can smother a small dog and/or has doubled in width due to childbirth.

Stop staring at my mom jeans. If they are good enough for Jessica Simpson, they're good enough for me.

Dont try to talk to me and tell me my kids are cute. Each one of them stole a piece of my soul and paid me back by adding a pant size. They are terrorists but you dont find that out until they are too old to drop off at the firehouse. Complimenting them does not win you brownie pts, so keep walking.

Stop saying you can eat anything you want and never have to work out. Stop it or I will stop it for you.

Brush your hair. I know that you are easy on the eyes and that most guys dont pay much attention to your hair, but do me a solid and rake a comb through it before you leave the house. Whatever it is you're doing with it in that ponytail holder is a no-go. I mean, a ponytail is one thing, but ive never seen a pony with such a ridiculously matted ball of bleached fuzz propped up that high on it's ass. uh-uh, nope.

As you can see, SB's..Im not asking too much. I just want some peace. I want to go to the store, buy groceries and not have to see 15 'ghosts of metabolism past' prancing around. One of these days you'll understand. Until then, by all means, pig out and prance like the dickens. Just do it out of my line of sight unless you want it to be your last prance...

All of my love,

-Misty Mills

25 Things

These are things I want you to know about me.

1. I hate odd numbers. (with the exception of the # 3)

2. Obviously, there are no absolutes in my world.

3. I was voted, 'Most Likely To Be Hunted Down And Brutally Murdered By A Former Classmate'

(No worries though because I keep a close eye on the two guys that were voted Most Likely To Hunt Down A Former Classmate and Brutally Murder Them)

4. I'm kind of a jack ass

5. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people don't capitalize God.

6. I have a favorite #, letter, planet, color and time of day, but I dont have a favorite song.

7. I love Astrology. I'm a Pisces and I REALLY DO LOVE LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH!

8. I dont believe in divorce after the 10th year of marriage. You either have to stick it out or kill the other person for wasting more than a decade of your life.. it's like Sudden Death overtime.

9. Anything to do with kids being mistreated makes me cry instantly.. Any one else being mistreated makes me laugh. See #4

10. I love beer/liquor breath.

11. Im horrible at math but I secretly love doing it.. Sex I mean, not math. That's dumb

12. I was lying on 11. I really do love math, I just have to keep up my cool persona. Everyone kinda see's me as a bad ass, ya know, so there's alot of pressure.. *sigh*

13. When people brag about something, it automatically makes me want to pick on them. Instantly.. I dont know why. Apparently I hate self confidence. See # 4 again

14. I am an honest complimenter. I feel that's a good quality to have in a friend.

15. Im ridiculously high strung.

16. Im about to start making stuff up because my interesting quirks dont roll 25 deep.

17. I dont judge my family and friends but outside of that circle, you're screwed. I become the epitomy of the B in the glass house throwing boulders! It's not my favorite thing about myself, but currently no steps are being taken to change it. =/

18. Im addicted to self help books. I'm naive and eagerly eat that shit up.

19. Contrary to what EVERYONE seems to think about me, I do not like rough sex. There, I said it! I dont know why i give off that, 'beat me, bite me' vibe, but i do and it bugs me.

20. Chad hates it that I talk about things like #19 to strangers. I think it's funny and i do what i want.

21. Chad is the boss of me. Please ignore # 19 & 20.

22. I torture Chad by singing everything instead of talking when we argue. "Well, Chad, lalalalalala, maybe you should stop being a dick for five seconds so I dont have to kill you in your sleep, lalala..I already apologized for hurting your feeeeeeelings but if you are going to continue being a girl about it, im gonna have to go to the stoooooore and get you some tampons and you know im not dressed for that so give it a REEEEEEEST.....weeeeeeeee.

23. The only thing im consistent with is being inconsistent.

24. I think shaming people into doing better is the only way. You dressed like that today on purpose and now im obviously photographing you in WM to show my friends. You suck at life, go home and fix it.

25. If only the good die young, I am poised for a long and healthy life. =)