Nearly 30, Nearly Sane

• My friends and I are all either 30 or rolling up on it and some of the things im observing are odd to say the least. Just for the sake of easing everyones mind, im gonna list a few things ive seen, thought and felt that I was shocked, humbled and worried by.
  
  
  
  Wrinkles suck and they show up years before you imagined they would, yet acne is still kinda hanging around, too. You havent been pissed off with your skin until you've woken up and noticed a zit NEXT TO a laugh line or your crows feet.
  
  
  
  We're old enough to have been through marriages, children and divorces. You either know someone who's divorced or you are yourself. No judgment, just an observation. Odd part? From time to time, ive been known to be a bit jealous of a friend because I know she no longer has to watch ESPN or Legend of the Seeker marathons on SYFY AND gets every other weekend kid free. Bitch.
  
  
  
  As a teenager, you probably had some idea of where you wanted to be in your life circa age 30...and you're not even in the same ballpark. I fancied myself an inspiring mix of H.S. Thompson and the early 90's cast of SNL. Turns out, the only thing we have in common is that the word 'tragedy' always comes up when people talk about us.
  
  
  
  Im an asshole and no amount of age, wisdom and knowing better is gonna change that. People dont change.
  
  
  
  You've hopefuly realized that you either have great parents and appreciate them or accept them for what they are: A walking 'what not to do' manual. Gotta stop wasting your precious time with mommy issues. At this point, you have more important things to concern yourself with. Things like, whether or not to buy a burner cell phone just to have an untraceable way to stalk and harass people to make yourself feel better. Putting other people down really does help. It's an old wives tale that it hurts you more than it hurts them. True story.
  
  
  
  You kinda hate your kids. Whatever little bit of soul and sanity you have managed to preserve until now gets whittled at everytime they ask you why they cant have an iphone. YOU'RE FUCKING 9 YEARS OLD! THATS WHY! (Side note: if your nine yr old has an iphone, you're sucking at life even harder than originally thought. look into that.)
  
  
  
  The full ramifications of how stupid you were as a young adult bitch slap you daily. Your thighs rub together more now than they ever have, but 20lbs ago, all you did was gripe about your thighs. I wish Id have learned by now to not waste my energy on that shit and instead, focus on not wrecking my car trying to decide whether or not to turn into the Krispy Kreme or keep driving because the Sr. High track team is running a few feet in front of my car. Mama likes...
  
  
  
  
  Men are as unfathomable today as they were 15 years ago. You've met someone, settled down, popped out some kids and spent more than a few nights trying to convince yourself that if you kill him, the CSI's will catch you. But your plan to turn lesbian really doesnt hold water because earlier in the week a 24yr old boy at Lowes looked your way and when he walked by, you literally growled out loud a little bit and had to take cold showers twice a day for a while.
  
  
  
  
  In conclusion, the 30's are a slippery slope. You're still a dumbass but dont have the luxury of blaming it on being young and dumb or the firm thighs to distract people from obvious shortcomings. I say fuck it. My youth was misspent...why stop now.