Joyce 'Crazy Ass' Meyers

Seriously, this lady is bonkers.

I was given a book titled, 'Help Me, Im Married' and since I'd never read anything of hers, I didnt know until I cracked it open that it was the bible bangers guide to marital bliss. From the jacket cover, I was expecting funny yet poignant stories of the trials and tribulations of marriage. What I got was a one way ticket to Crazy Town.

Exhibit A: 'There were many times when I let my husband make love to me simply out of obedience to God, and though Dave didnt know it, tears were running down my face....Once in a while Dave would catch me crying and ask me, 'what's wrong?'. I would tell him I was just trying to obey God but was having a hard time doing so. Dave respected my willingness to do whatever i needed to to be free...'

PSSST! Dave's an ass! Who continues to bang their sobbing wife who's jabbering on about Jesus forcing her to diddle you???! If I looked down and saw Chad's tear streaked face, I'd assume I hadn't heard the safe word and immediately stop to make sure he was ok and not seriously injured...You know, because I CARE!

Exhibit B: 'Take good care of your children but do not put them above God or your spouse.'

Um, Sorry, but my husband is a grown ass man and can take care of himself.. Im pretty sure God can handle his own business, too. My kids are numero uno, comprende, Joyce?

Apparently she also speaks a special 'prayer language' that only she and God know and prompts you to check out the appendix at the back of the book to learn how to speak in tongues and learn your very own top secret prayer language. Hey Joyce, if I learn the secret prayer language and send you the upc code from this shitty book, can I get a super awesome decoder ring?!

Hit me back -

Mills out.

The Holidays: An In Depth Look at Depression.

First of all, I'd like to send a shout out to my peep Laura Leigh in NC. She mentioned that some co-workers of hers kept up with my blog and I'd like to thank them for finding my ridiculous ramblings amusing. Keep doing the Lords work, folks. (See, that's funny because they work for R.J. Reynolds tobacco company. Get it now? No? Then you're dumb.)

Ok, now on to serious matters. My family is effin crazy. I mean bat shit crazy. Both mine and my husbands are certifiable. I dont even know how to write this without one of them finding out about it and telling all the rest. Im pretty sure I have at least 3 literate relatives but that isnt the main problem. My fear is that they'll call to confront me instead of just expecting me to be a no show at this years festivities. Best case scenario, I'll be uninvited, but im not gonna hold my breath. (I'll save my breath holding for when we inevitably break down and go because every person in my family chain smokes and refuses to go outside or even crack a window. Approximately 30 mins after arriving, it looks like Gettysburg after the big battle. Smoke hanging in the air, kids strewn about the floor, pale faced and gasping...*shudder*)

Moving on. The food. You know going into it that you're playing Roulette with your intestines and some years are worse than others. (Think National Lampoon's Vegas Vacation.. "I'll take some of the yella..") Some questions Ive asked myself over the past few years:

"How do you burn no-bake cheesecake?"

"Why would anyone make a salad out of pineapple, mayonnaise and rice?"

"How old do you have to be to understand sprinkling sage over dry cornbread does not make stuffing?!"

"Did ***** make this? You know she likes to let her cats help her cook.."

So after filling your belly with what could quite possibly be ticking time bombs, you have to carry on a conversation with a person you have absolutely no desire to speak to. Here are a couple choice snip its from this years bonanza:

'Oh, so he's back in jail? That's too bad. How many DUI's does that make now? 8. wow.'

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'Well, actually, you only have one liver, so if the doctor says yours is damaged you are really in quite a bit of trouble...Yes, I'm positive we only have one.'

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'No, im good, but you go ahead. I dont really smoke pot...in church...'

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'Yeah, im still married and I still dont have any sisters..'

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This is just the tip of the iceberg, guys. Some of the convo's are so ridiculous that it would take 3 pages of backstory and a vin diagram to fully explain. Im just hoping I can get the smoke shampooed out of my hair and this migraine to go away before it's time to do it all over again at Christmas. =/