Facebook: ReAsOnS wE hAtE yOu

Let’s take a trip back to 1992. You’re tired, you’re walking in the door after a long day at work to find that your spouse has made a wonderfully delicious pot roast. Now, back then, do you think you would have ever run straight to the mailbox and mailed a letter to all of your friends about how “great” that pot roast was? So why do people feel the need to post “Pot roast…Yummy!” on Facebook now?
This is just one in a long line of many breaches of “Facebook etiquette.” Before you get all hot and bothered we are all guilty of occasionally breaking these rules, but some of us out there are habitual offenders. What we’re going to attempt in this edition of the Chex and the Pity/Mills FamilyFunhouse guest blog is hopefully give everyone a kind of what NOT to do manual for the world of social networking, specifically Facebook (because MySpace is dead and not enough of you use Twitter)
Again….we know we violate these rules from time to time as well so save your damn emails….

Up first we have some minor offenses….

Food - Thanks so much for telling us what you had for dinner, who prepared it for you and the step by step rundown of how they created the miracle that was your last meal. No. One. Cares. General rule of thumb: if it's gonna be shit in 2 hours, we don’t need a status update about it. Unacceptable phrases include any variation of “Yummo” “So delicious” and “Fucking better than Scarlett Johannsens’s nude pics”….actually that last variation is ok.

Mundane- If you can’t think of anything interesting to say, it's perfectly ok to leave it blank. There honestly isn’t a troll that’s going to pop out of your computer or phone and bite you in the junk because you haven’t updated your status in two hours. Our mothers both used to say if you don’t have anything to say for fucks sake please post something about how stupid you think the new Color Me Bad* video is. Christ in a dump truck, just leave it blank.
*In all honesty, our mothers only said this once. (Sept 1991)

Vague- What can’t you believe?!?! Who just showed up?!?!? What the fuck is a TRUMANG?!? If you have to answer a question about your status in the comments then you probably shouldn’t have posted anything in the first place.

Friend Requesting Etiquette - There should be a minimum of 2 social interactions before a friend request is sent. However, there are exceptions to this rule such as if you have 189 friends in common or if a friend suggests another friend to you for dating purposes. Also, If you hooked up with a person the night before…it’s a general rule that if you’ve seen each other naked we think it’s ok if you see each other’s Halloween ’08 pics.

Kids - Do not let your kids send friend requests to grownups they barely know. You can’t expect us to censor ourselves just because your 9 yr old shouldn’t be reading updates about rolling on X and beastiality. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. That’s on you. We don’t need to hear about every bowel movement or accident your newborn has either. Teenagers fall into this category too. So if you have a teenager please make sure that they’re not friends with either of us. They are absolutely atrocious on social networks. No OnE WaNtS tO rEaD aNyThINg WhEn It LoOkS LiKe ThIs.

Spam - WOW! I CANT BELIEVE I CAN ACTUALLY SEE WHO'S BEEN CREEPIN ME ON FB! JUST CLICK THIS LINK TO FIND OUT WHICH ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BE ABLE TO LOOK IN THE EYE AGAIN!! Do not click the link it doesn’t work, its spam. One aside here, this is actually a good indicator of how many of your friends are actively looking at porn sites. If we had to ballpark it we’d say 100% of your friends look at porn, present company included. With that being said, we’d like to go on record and say that website had a disclaimer saying the girls were 18 and the cat was already dead your honor.

Updated Profile Pictures – What used to be called “MySpace Voodoo” has now become an epidemic on Facebook. No one likes being fooled. So if you’ve got that one picture of you in a bikini from 10 years ago where you’re looking fine as hell….don’t use it as your profile picture now that you’ve been married/divorced with 7 kids and put on 75 pounds.

Creating Events/Inviting to Events – It’s great that you’re involved in charities. It’s even great that you want us to come to your charitable event. What’s not great is inviting all 897 friends to your son’s/daughter’s Cowboy Birthday Party. There better be booze and strippers. If there are then we’ll even bring a present*
*The present is lots and lots of 1’s.

Married People With Joint Accounts - If you can’t trust each other enough to allow separate Facebook pages, maybe you should call it a day. If you're seriously that worried about your spouse being unfaithful, let us just break it down for you.. Where there's a supply closet and will, there is a way. Your boo don’t need Facebook to cheat. Guys that agree to this…you’re effectively saying “My wife has my balls in her purse. I do not have access to them right now, but if you send me a message I’ll ask her if I can use them and get back to you.”

'We're sooo in love' wall posts - Come on people, get real. Chances are you aren’t even going to be dating/married to that person in 2 years so why waste your valuable time and 140 precious character spaces trying to convince your Facebook friends that they are your perfect soul mate? Since when do our intimate relationships require posting “my hubby/wife is the bestest” to all 581 of our closest friends? If you’re going to post the good you might as well post the bad. “Couldn’t watch the second half of the game tonight because the cunt wanted to watch god damn CSI:Albuquerque”

Constant changing of the relationship status - We get it..your love life is a hot mess. We’re really not sure why you do it, but understand this: You get a little pity the first time, then you get hidden. We don’t change our status every time Misty feels the need to smother her husband as he sleeps or every time Cory has to write a personal check for the hooker’s divorce lawyer for two reasons: 1) We don’t have that kind of time 2) We know that our Facebook friends do not give a crap.

Pets – You love your pet. Nothing wrong with that. Posting 72 pictures of your dog laying on the couch….72 pictures of your dog laying in the grass….or 72 pictures of your dog licking peanut butter off your…..you get the picture. It’s a little much. There needs to be a separate Facebook for kids and pets. One that is far,far away from us.

Favorite Quotes Section - If you have any quotes that can be attributed to yourself or any of your friends, take them down. No one knows the context, no one gives a shit that your friend Sully said “NO I SAID THE PAINT WAS CRACKED”…..you hear that sound? That’s no one caring.


Now we’ll move onto some MAJOR violations. These will get you hidden in a heartbeat….repeat offenders are likely to be even ….*gasp*…..unfriended.

Menstruation and/or Bowel Habits - Seriously people…do we need to go over this? As a general rule of thumb if anything is secreted out of any orifice on your body whether it be blood , mucus, or feces, no one else wants to know about it. Promise. Cross our hearts. Hope to die. Stick a giant needle in your eye if you tell us you left a giant curler in the bowl at work again.

“like” Whores- You ever notice on one of your friend’s pages how one certain person likes every single one of a their posts and you think it’s weird because you know for a fact that they don’t hang out together. If it comes to the point where someone has literally stopped posting just so that you won’t have anything to like on their page then we’re pretty sure the terrorists have won. Don’t make them block you. That being said, please continue to “like” each and every one of our posts.

Bible Verses/Famous/Cliché Quotes – We here at Chex & the Pity and MillsFamilyFunhouse both agree that like the separation of Church and State there should be separation of Church and Facebook. Don’t take this the wrong way, we’re both in the same boat as the Doobie Brothers in that Jesus is just alright with us (oh yeah)….but there comes a point in time where if after reading your posts on Facebook we put a few dollars in a plate in the pantry and start thinking about where to beat the lunch crowds (Western Sizzlin is good if you get there before 1215 on Sunday)…it has to be toned down….a lot.
Also if all you can do is quote Marilyn Monroe or Rev Run then maybe posting on social networking sites just isn’t for you. Do us a favor and throw in a Charles Manson or two…at least you’ll know if anyone is paying attention to you after that. Answer: probably still no one. Seriously, you lost them after the 87th consecutive Marilyn Monroe quote. And by the way, who is supposed to be inspired by a self-admitted one trick pony who only got famous because she slept her way into acting and banged the president then committed suicide….real inspirational there.

Passive Aggressive - The mother of all inappropriateness on Facebook….the passive-aggressive post. If you’re constantly bitching and moaning about “something” that “someone” has done or is doing….if you’re whining about how you can’t understand why you’re still single….if you’re basically being just a huge gaping asshole on the internet, please do us all a favor and go back to MySpace. We’re not gonna name any names here but YOU know who YOU are.

Creating Facebook Pages for Dead People - So what could be more fitting than honoring your friend or loved one that hated social media and made a conscientious decision not to have a facebook page with a facebook page...post mortem. We are soooo gonna haunt your ass after we pass on. Those creepy noises in the night and cryptic messages written in peanut butter on your bathroom mirror….that’s us. Hi.

Checking In Everywhere - If you can give us one good reason why you are irrationally compelled to tell everyone you've ever met that you're at Wendy's (for the second time today, wth?) We won’t punch you in the face. Do you want stalkers? We have a few “like” whores that we can send your way. Wendy’s would be an odd place to die.

Pictures and Knowing the Difference Between Appropriate and Inappropriate – It's bad enough spending the night in the drunk tank and having to come up with yet another $390 for bail, but to come home and have to untag yourself from 57 potentially incriminating photos on your page really irks us. Knock it off or we’re posting that one of you and the midget stripper that stole your Visa card.

If you Love Jesus/Hate Obama/Hate Cancer/Support Our Troops then repost this…. – Have you ever met anyone …ANYONE that did not support the troops or hate cancer? Besides the Westboro Baptist Church? Ok then, let’s just all agree here and now that WE SUPPORT THE TROOPS and we fucking hate cancer. We’ve already mentioned that Jesus is just alright with us (oh yeah) and hell we can even support thinking that you have a great sister/husband/father/wife/brother. But don’t ask us to repost something just to make you feel better about your own situation.

Parents - Listen, Mom/Dad….what we post on Facebook is mostly nonsense. It’s almost never , repeat never about you. So while you might feel the need to comment on a status here and there, that’s fine. Just don’t interpret any post about burying dead hookers as a mom issue ok?

Debbie downers – We all have bad days. It’s ok to vent a little frustration every now and then. But if your life sucks so bad that you have never once posted a positive status update, you might wanna re-evaluate your life. How many days in a row do you feel the need to let us know that you’re “having one of those days”? Step away from the computer and get some help, preferably in the form of electric shock therapy or a lobotomy.

Politics – Oh man those Bush/Obama jokes really kill me. Politics are like religion when it comes to Facebook and life in general….no one is ever going to agree. At this point in our lives, it’s very rare that you’re going to convert anyone to the other side. So why try? We can both sit online and spout facts that prove/disprove each other til we’re as blue in the face as that dude in that weatherman’s bathtub in Maumelle, it’s not going to change anything. Leave it be.

Games - This used to be a much larger issue. Gone are the days where you could read 17 posts in a row about finding a stray cow or someone needing “coins” to build that lattice field around their crops. Although it was always funny to come home and see 87 posts about a current news topic and mom’s post about “Does anyone have any carrot seeds?”. Seriously, if you’re playing games on Facebook and posting them on your own wall or others….you need to get back on WOW where you belong and stop terrorizing the rest of us non gamers.


So there you have it. Some basic guidelines to what we find awful about you on Facebook. Just kidding we don’t think you’re awful.

And yes, we know that we are just as guilty as anyone else about some of these so please….DO NOT SEND US A GOD DAMN EMAIL SAYING “ HEY YOU POSTED SOMETHING ABOUT KIDS YESTERDAY HAHAHAHAHA”