I think I should come up with a few Golden Rules. Rules to help guide us through life in a small town where EVERYONE you graduated with still resides and share them with the rest of the world to help save us all from unnecessary frustration due to inevitable 'run-ins'.
Rule # 1 HAS to be this: The amount of time you spend 'catching up' has to be directly proportionate to the time you spent talking to each other in HS divided by the number of years since you graduated.
Example: I see 'Rachel' at Walmart. We spent a total of 3 minutes chatting in Spanish class once when I asked her if she'd seen my purple pen. ( It was my favorite and Im pretty sure she stole it.) It's been 10 years since we graduated, so our conversation on the ice cream aisle need only last about 18 seconds. (3 mins = 180 seconds. 180/10 = 18)
Im pretty sure that 18 seconds isn't long enough for her to tell me about her cats upcoming gal bladder surgery AND the weird complications of her mothers gastric bypass procedure. But, since she didnt know about the rules, I was held captive for 20 mins and that's time that could have been better spent chewing on a hobos toenails.
Rule # 2: Let's keep it upbeat, people! I DO NOT need to know that the reason your cart is so full of groceries is because your cousin's meth lab exploded and they now have to live with you and you have to keep alot of food in the house so that the state doesnt take all 6 of the kids away... How am I supposed to react to that? Cuz let me tell you what I did.. I turned around and looked for Ashton f*ckin Kutcher because I thought my ass was being punked. Please explain to me why some people arent ashamed of their family and openly air out their dirty laundry? Get with the program folks! We ALL have those cousins, but people with any 'home training' know you shut your mouth, buy some Tums and prepare for the ulcer that's on it's way from bottling up all the familial bullshit! Geesh!
Rule # 3: Stop bragging. I saw you braless in a white tshirt unloading 5 dirty kids from an '87 Cutlass. Boasting that you're a 'stay at home mom' is just comical. Yeah, I work and I drive a 10yr old VW... you have nothing to prove to me...
Rule # 4: Do not assume Im over our beef from the 8th grade. Im not.. Im still mad. Walk away quickly and pray I didnt see you.
Which brings me to Rule # 5: If you walk past someone 4 times and they haven't acknowledged you, yes they saw you, no they dont remember and or want to talk. I personally do not handle rejection well, so to avoid being the unremembered, I simply ignore everyone and refuse to initiate any conversation. It works well for me but not the best plan of action if you are attempting to make new friends.
Im so drained, but Im glad that Ive been able to share a little of the horror that has been my past 2 Wal Mart trips. Pass these rules on. Email them to friends. Lets get the word out on acceptable behavior.
