Alone At Last

Chad has taken the boys to Missouri. I'm so busy with school functions this weekend that they would be sans mom anyway, so they've skipped town. As always, the first 20 minutes are filled with golden silence, excitement and just plain relief that I can pee alone for the next 2 days. It's the little things, folks. I have literally been on the phone with my friend Laura while trying to go to the bathroom and had to ask her to hold while I 'shoo' kids from my bathroom. The boys will interrupt my potty break, or shower or whatever else I might be doing to ask me a completely irrelevant question they could have asked their NON busy father. Any mother knows this to be God's honest truth.

So anyway, Im home alone now. And 25 mins after the van pulls out of the driveway, Im bored out of my mind. The house is a mess. (SURPRISE!) I clear a path and attempt to relax on the couch. But, I cant, because all I can see is the mess around me. We are not talking about 'commercial messes' either. There isn't a spilled glass of juice on an adorable toddler fingerprinted table. Oh no.. My kids are the American Gladiators of mess making. There is a laundry basket full of unmated socks turned upside down in my living room floor. Dishes in the sink. Leftover birthday cake covering the floor under my table. Shoes EVERYWHERE. (Most of which are mine, but let's not digress) I can't relax staring at this crap. I get up and start to clean. An hour later, the kitchen and living room are clean. Now Im alone and bored in a clean house. I realize I've erased the signs of my boys from the rooms around me and I get even more lonely. Poop.

Let the Facebook stalking commence. There is not a person I have met since the 3rd grade that I have not creeped on FB. Im just saying. I do not like to leave any stones unturned when it comes to the lives of others. It fascinates me. Very little holds my attention better than an awkward FB status update from a person I barely know. The only way it could be more appealing to me would be to cover it with bacon. Facebook photos are my Kryptonite. And please stop judging me, I hate it when you do that.

Ugh, and then I notice my stomach is hurting. Damn, Im hungry... Chad left before making dinner and Im probably gonna die. I dont want to go get anything, Im already in my pj's. I decide to eat an entire can of Wolf brand chili. (I know, I know.. this was not my brightest move). Now my guts are BROKEN. My large intestine is cramping up in a way that leads me to believe this isn't gonna be a restful night. The pain is so intense I cannot continue to stalk. I have to retire to the couch. This is where I pass out in Chad's hoodie and under Aydin's blanket. I need to smell them to get to sleep. Turns out, if there isnt a boy next to me with the last name Mills it just isn't a good night.

"Home is whenever I'm with you.." - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zero's 'Home'