Facebook Profiling

Ladies and Gentlemen, I proudly present to you the worlds first 'Filing System' for crazies on FB. After many late nights spent breaking down the insanity that composes 98% of Facebook posts, Ive created a taxonomy of sorts to help you wade through the nut jobs. Im confident ALL of the crazy people on your page will fall into one of these 5 basic categories:

1. PAN's (Passive Aggressive Nightmares): These are truly the most annoying and arguably the most entertaining to read. There is always someone wronging them and they are ALWAYS gonna tell you all about it..via FB. If they had a fight with their husband/wife/boss/sister/cousin/gas station attendant, you will know about it. No one appreciates them and they are PISSED about it. Do yourself a solid and NEVER comment on these posts. Your words of consolation are like heroin to these attention whores. Do not be an enabler. Read the post, laugh, move on.

2. The Friend Collector: They need a fan club. They want you to be among the 1108 people they annoy on a daily basis. You met once at Zaxby's or you know their cousins cousin and now you have to wade through 17 updates a day because this asshole has made Foursquare their full time job. My advice? Accept the friend request and then delete them from your page in 4 days. (That's about how long it will take them to forget about you and your meeting). My best advice? Ignore the friend request altogether.

3. The CREEPY Friend Collector: He's creepy because you dont know him but you have a mutual friend. You look at his page to see if something will jog your memory but nothing does. Then you notice it. He has 956 friends and none of them are dudes. At first you're flattered that he thought you were pretty enough to add to his harem, but then you come back to your senses and realize you dont want any part of this STD laden freak. Hasta La Vista Douchebag..

4.The FaceBook Fakers: Oh, you know them...They make you want to shoot them in the face with an automatic weapon. The 'I love you so much, you make my life worth living, no one knows me/treats me/loves me the way you do' assholes. Seriously, stop gushing about your perfect love or you'll be gushing blood from your corotid, because im about to knife you. Best/worst part of it all? You know that they are truly one of the most disfunctional couples you've ever known or even seen on Springer. Facebook Tip: Hide them before they force you to kill them.

5. The Unshakeables: You've deleted them more than three times from your page and they just wont stop sending those friend requests. They 'like' every post and have an asinine comment for most all your status updates. You're constantly having to delete their comments from your pictures. They've friend requested everyone on your page and you're tired of having to explain how you know them and why you're friends with them. They are like ticks, only worse because you cant flush them down the toilet.