Cadillacs and Donkey Shows

Once a month I go a wee bit crazy and all the emotions Ive denied having for the past 28 days suddenly come pouring out in strange and unusual ways. Some months it comes and goes without causing much of a problem in my home life and others result in my husband sleeping on the couch of a fat, balding man who works at the grilled cheese shop off the square. This is one of those months...

Chad works from home. The vertically challenged sociopaths I harbor are out of school due to the blizzard and I am cycling like a mofo. Yes, the subject of divorce has been broached however no one is buried in a frosty, shallow grave out back, so Im considering this week a 'win'.

Today, a salesman from Windstream came to my door and Im pretty sure he's at home still hugging his wife after what he saw.

Whenever someone knocks on the door, our little inbred Pomeranian mistake starts to yap uncontrollably. I yell for Andrew to take the damn dog into Alex's room and shut the door. Then I open the front door. Im pissed because it's cold outside and this doucher looks 'slow'. Im wearing gray and green thermal socks, leggings, an oversized tshirt, a lime green robe and I have a large greasy wad on the top of my head. I can only guess that the look on my face was off putting or I smelled. Both are possible. Hell, it could have been a combination of the two. I dont really care. So he begins his pitch about the services they offer and what great deals they are...I just closed the door. But our door is kind of messed up and sometimes it doesnt 'catch' when you shut it. The only way to make sure it's shut is to reopen it and slam it super hard. So not only is this dude forced to go door to door in a damn blizzard, but he got the door slammed in his face twice by possibly the skankiest woman he's ever laid eyes on. (I cant say for sure, but Im crossing my fingers that he's worked in Madison County before and he's seen alot worse.)

Does this happen to anyone else?! Am I the weird chick on the commercial with the gray and fuzzy sad face while all her super hot, skinny friends are drinking colorful cocktails and laughing?! I dont wanna be that girl!

I'd like to go to the doctor and maybe get a pill for this but I'm legitimately worried she's gonna tell me there is no hope aside from electric shock therapy and some sort of 12 step program for assholes.

Here's what I think I need: A really strong drink, a hysterectomy and a time machine that propells me back to the day after Ryan Reynolds broke up with Alanis Morissette... cuz Im sure he was vulnerable and AINT NO WAY im crazier than that bitch! Problem solved. =)