The Holidays: An In Depth Look at Depression.

First of all, I'd like to send a shout out to my peep Laura Leigh in NC. She mentioned that some co-workers of hers kept up with my blog and I'd like to thank them for finding my ridiculous ramblings amusing. Keep doing the Lords work, folks. (See, that's funny because they work for R.J. Reynolds tobacco company. Get it now? No? Then you're dumb.)

Ok, now on to serious matters. My family is effin crazy. I mean bat shit crazy. Both mine and my husbands are certifiable. I dont even know how to write this without one of them finding out about it and telling all the rest. Im pretty sure I have at least 3 literate relatives but that isnt the main problem. My fear is that they'll call to confront me instead of just expecting me to be a no show at this years festivities. Best case scenario, I'll be uninvited, but im not gonna hold my breath. (I'll save my breath holding for when we inevitably break down and go because every person in my family chain smokes and refuses to go outside or even crack a window. Approximately 30 mins after arriving, it looks like Gettysburg after the big battle. Smoke hanging in the air, kids strewn about the floor, pale faced and gasping...*shudder*)

Moving on. The food. You know going into it that you're playing Roulette with your intestines and some years are worse than others. (Think National Lampoon's Vegas Vacation.. "I'll take some of the yella..") Some questions Ive asked myself over the past few years:

"How do you burn no-bake cheesecake?"

"Why would anyone make a salad out of pineapple, mayonnaise and rice?"

"How old do you have to be to understand sprinkling sage over dry cornbread does not make stuffing?!"

"Did ***** make this? You know she likes to let her cats help her cook.."

So after filling your belly with what could quite possibly be ticking time bombs, you have to carry on a conversation with a person you have absolutely no desire to speak to. Here are a couple choice snip its from this years bonanza:

'Oh, so he's back in jail? That's too bad. How many DUI's does that make now? 8. wow.'

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'Well, actually, you only have one liver, so if the doctor says yours is damaged you are really in quite a bit of trouble...Yes, I'm positive we only have one.'

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'No, im good, but you go ahead. I dont really smoke pot...in church...'

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'Yeah, im still married and I still dont have any sisters..'

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This is just the tip of the iceberg, guys. Some of the convo's are so ridiculous that it would take 3 pages of backstory and a vin diagram to fully explain. Im just hoping I can get the smoke shampooed out of my hair and this migraine to go away before it's time to do it all over again at Christmas. =/