Why Kids Suck

There is hardly a topic out there that is more easily relatable than parenthood. Most everyone I know has popped out a kid or participated in the process in some form or fashion. You have this little person roaming around your house eating all your best snacks and you love them and they make you feel good about the world. But then sometimes they don't.

Sometimes they just suck. My 14 year old son knows everything. EVERY. FUCKING. THING. All of it. I have never wanted to throat chop anyone so bad in my whole life. His bedroom makes me physically ill. Between the old food that's now morphed into something resembling moldy beef jerky and the shiny, crusty coat of my discarded grand children that covers everything, I cannot bring myself to walk in there. I never claimed to know anything about the life and habits of an adolescent boy, but to say I was shocked at the amount of time spent masturbating is an understatement. We never have any hot water. I cant keep conditioner in the shower. His socks? No words. I keep Pedialyte in the house to make sure he's not getting dehydrated. Do I talk to him about this or even acknowledge the situation in any way? No, because that would make him uncomfortable. I just hang back, try to keep some electrolytes in him and pray that one day he turns back into a person that isn't hell bent on proving everything I say not only incorrect, but the dumbest thing ever said in the history of spoken language.

Lucky for me, I have two other children not currently losing their minds due to puberty. They still suck, though. Alexander is my middle son. He also knows everything. He's ten and swears he is the only one of his friends without an iphone. Someone please alert CPS. I'll admit that I sometimes wonder if my kids will grow up and shoot me in the face with an AK because I didn't cave and get them what they demanded. But most nights I sleep well knowing my children have exceptional muscle tone which I attribute to their trampoline and basketball goal and bikes and organized sports. You're welcome, you non-chubby little ass hats.

I lost my own mind for a while and was convinced to have a 3rd child in hopes of having a sweet, precious baby girl. Nope. Aydin the Hun is no doubt my comeuppance for a terribly lived past life, of which I have no recollection. He is the baby. He is A baby. He sucks. He whines when he doesn't get his way. He doesn't like to wear pants. He refuses to sleep alone. Someone has 'Aydin duty' every night. He doesn't do anything he doesn't want to, no matter how pertinent the task may be to his well being and personal safety. I once had to pull over on the side of the road to strap him back into his booster seat because he kept unbuckling himself. I got back into the van and pulled onto the road, only to be immediately pulled over by an officer and given a ticket for not wearing my seat belt. I'd HAD it on before I got out to fight with my turd kid.
Aydin - 965 Misty - 0

There is no peace. There is no quiet. There is only consequence. This is what I get for not drowning them all in the river like feral cats. Sadly, I'm now deeply affected by an illness known as Stockholm Syndrome. I not only feel love for and sympathize with my captors, occasionally, I find myself ENJOYING their company. I could leave. I could run away. But I won't. I'm their mom and one of these days they'll make me a grandmother. I'm keeping a journal of the terrible shit i'm going to buy and teach their children. I will make them pay. I will get the last laugh.

Misty and Cory's best and worst of 2012

These are just some of the things we thought either made or ruined our year:


One of the things that we looked forward to was the end of the Twilight series movies. No more Team Edward, Team Jacob, or terribly cgi'd werewolves. And most importantly no more Kristen Stewart. We could write another 12,000 words on how much we dislike Kristen Stewart, but we'll spare you. Let's all just rejoice in the fact that she will now quietly fade into oblivion.

We did have positive experiences at the movies this year. Argo, The Hobbit, Moonrise Kingdom, This is 40, Django Unchained, and The Dark Knight Rises all made us laugh, cry, cringe and shit our pants. Some all at the same time).

Really struggled with the segue between movies and TV and we're very distracted with the Throwback Jamz music channel so this is what you're getting. Thankfully the Walking Dead returned to its roots this year and actually featured what made the show popular: nasty, gory, Zombie death porn. Meth and Landry from Friday Night Lights made a triumphant return in this season of Breaking Bad. If you're not watching this show, what's your problem? Meth?

Not that everything we watched on the small screen was great this year *cough* Honey Boo Boo, we're looking at you. When a horrible excuse for a human being and her horrible child become so popular on a TV show that they get their own TV show, you know an apocalypse is imminent. Speaking of apocalypses, Keeping up with the Kardashians will have a new cast member next year: The Antichrist.

Jay-Z and Kanye pretty much ruled the music world this year with Watch the Throne, Blue Ivy and Kim letting Kanye finish. We wonder if they did it "Gangnam Style" (from behind while riding a horse sideways). New music acts, we understand you like Mumford & Sons, EVERYONE likes Mumford & Sons, but just adding a banjo to your song isn't going to make you the next Americana Grammy Winner. Music this year also dropped more sick bass than an uncoordinated fish doctor. We'd rather Skrillex and his contemporaries go back to coating our non-stick cookware.

There were lots of good reads out there this year like Hunger Games of Thrones, but they all pale in comparison to the glorified mom-porn series: Fifty Shades of Grey. The fact that this Twilight fan faction sold over 20 million copies gives us hope that an equal treatment will be given to the Harry Potter series because naked quidditch is something that should exist....outside of our minds.

2012 was the year that the world was supposed to end. The world didn't end, but if you spent any time on Facebook in the Fall, you might've wished it had. From gay marriage, to legalizing pot, to gun control everyone had an opinion but not everyone possessed the mind to rationally discuss on social network sites. We found out more about our friends than we ever wanted to know, but most importantly we found out who were hypocrites, who were developmentally disabled, and who we'd want having our back in a bar fight.

Needless to say, we're glad 2012 is over. But we had to say it so that you would know when to stop reading.

Give me F bombs or give me death.

Due to recent events concerning language use both on social networks and in social situations, we feel the need to defend our right to express ourselves however the fuck we want to. We're talking about cursing here you guys. Merriam-Webster defines curse as...whatever there are no dictionaries in this house. What we're trying to say is that, when used properly, cursing can be an art form.


So why curse? For one, there are no good substitutes. Substitutes for cursing sound absolutely ridiculous. Darn-it, dang-it, cheese doodles, dag nabbit all sound like Yosemite Sam chasing Bugs Bunny. No one outside of a cartoon character has ever gotten anything accomplished using this type of language. We don't suggest using it ever.


So why curse? Because your parents did and they got shit done. If your mom said "Get in here"....not much would happen. If your mom said "Get your butt in here!"....you might get up and go see what she wanted. If your mom said "GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!" you know damn well your ass would be moving at the speed of light to find out what was going on.




So why curse? Because a child cursing is funny. And they can't do it if they don't hear or see us doing it. Without question, up until about age 4, it's pretty hilarious. You could probably substitute a midget cursing here if you weren't all that comfortable with a child cursing. Basically what we're saying is that miniature humans whether they're 4 or 44 using foul language is funny.




So why curse? Because you're way fucking stressed. We've all been there. Hard day at work, driving home, you get cut off by some prick in a Miata. Do you think you'll feel better just shaking your fist? Bullshit....you let the son of a bitch have it and unleash a hellspawn fury of language that even George Carlin would be proud of. At that point you're probably even making up a few cuss words.


So why curse? Because sometimes it's really the only way to get your point across. Cursing has a way of adding that certain je ne sais quoi to any statement. It gets people's attention. And that's really all you want isn't it? You selfish prick.




So what are we really trying to say here? That we're mad as hell and we're not gonna take it any more? No. The 800 word post we had on Instagram Overdose just wasn't up to snuff yet. So we went with cursing. We could have stopped a few paragraphs ago but you know what? We fucking didn't.

What Was and What Should Never Be

I've had a subscription to Rolling Stone magazine since I was 14yrs old. Tonight I was thumbing through my newest issue and I saw an advertisement for Dr. Martens shoes. Flashback to middle school. I immediately got out of bed to pen this list of things that either need to go away STAT or should not come back. EVER.

Dr. Martens: Ever heard someone say, 'Hey, check out that cute girl that appears to be happy and well adjusted. Yeah, the smiling one with the good hair and the Dr. Martens.' I'll answer that for you. Nope. It's an impossibility for two reasons. They weigh 8lbs a piece and dont go with anything. These must stay in the back of the closet with your Soundgarden tshirts and anything made of flannel.

Front pleats: If AC Slater can't pull it off, nobody can. I remember watching Saved By the Bell and thinking something was so wrong with AC's pants but I couldnt put my finger on it. Maybe it was the acid wash, maybe it was the tapered leg.. Nigh, twas the pleating in the front. Think about it. Fashion has flirted with a tapered leg from time to time. Different washes come in and out of popularity, but NEVER has a FUPA been attractive.

Half Shirts: America, we are just too fat for this shit. Let it go.

Velour: Take any normal, everyday article of clothing, make it velour and BAM! You've got yourself a train wreck. I love sweats as much as the next gal. I recently met a super cute guitar player from a band I'm into while wearing a sweatshirt.. Im positive that encounter never would have taken place had that shirt been made of velour. Dressing down from time to time is ok. Attempting to dress up your super lame comfy clothes = fail. Stop it.

Ass Lettering: Only 3 possible scenarios exist in the realm of buttwords.. 1.)You're too old or out of shape to wear anything that says JUICY across your ass. 2.)You're too young for anyone to be looking at your bottom. 3.)You're the .05% of the world that is young enough, hot enough and still yet, old enough to be drawing attention to your ass. If you're either of the first two, cease and desist. If you're the latter, you dont really need your ass to say PINK. Young and firm will do the trick, trust me.

Boy Bands: No explanation needed. (Although, I'd kill a hobo for a Boyz II Men reunion tour, I'm not gonna lie. Please don't tell anyone.)

Psuedo Celebs: Why do we give a shit about Kim Kardashian and her idiot sisters? Let me tell you this, if screwing ball players, being ignorant of the world around you and generally making an ass of yourself in public situations equals good t.v., there should be camera crews following me 24/7. I'm a star, baby.

Ok, since I jumped out of bed to bang this out and it's 2am, I'm signing off. But before I cut out, Id like to leave you on a positive note. One thing that seems to be here to stay and Im glad about it.

Porn.

Facebook: ReAsOnS wE hAtE yOu

Let’s take a trip back to 1992. You’re tired, you’re walking in the door after a long day at work to find that your spouse has made a wonderfully delicious pot roast. Now, back then, do you think you would have ever run straight to the mailbox and mailed a letter to all of your friends about how “great” that pot roast was? So why do people feel the need to post “Pot roast…Yummy!” on Facebook now?
This is just one in a long line of many breaches of “Facebook etiquette.” Before you get all hot and bothered we are all guilty of occasionally breaking these rules, but some of us out there are habitual offenders. What we’re going to attempt in this edition of the Chex and the Pity/Mills FamilyFunhouse guest blog is hopefully give everyone a kind of what NOT to do manual for the world of social networking, specifically Facebook (because MySpace is dead and not enough of you use Twitter)
Again….we know we violate these rules from time to time as well so save your damn emails….

Up first we have some minor offenses….

Food - Thanks so much for telling us what you had for dinner, who prepared it for you and the step by step rundown of how they created the miracle that was your last meal. No. One. Cares. General rule of thumb: if it's gonna be shit in 2 hours, we don’t need a status update about it. Unacceptable phrases include any variation of “Yummo” “So delicious” and “Fucking better than Scarlett Johannsens’s nude pics”….actually that last variation is ok.

Mundane- If you can’t think of anything interesting to say, it's perfectly ok to leave it blank. There honestly isn’t a troll that’s going to pop out of your computer or phone and bite you in the junk because you haven’t updated your status in two hours. Our mothers both used to say if you don’t have anything to say for fucks sake please post something about how stupid you think the new Color Me Bad* video is. Christ in a dump truck, just leave it blank.
*In all honesty, our mothers only said this once. (Sept 1991)

Vague- What can’t you believe?!?! Who just showed up?!?!? What the fuck is a TRUMANG?!? If you have to answer a question about your status in the comments then you probably shouldn’t have posted anything in the first place.

Friend Requesting Etiquette - There should be a minimum of 2 social interactions before a friend request is sent. However, there are exceptions to this rule such as if you have 189 friends in common or if a friend suggests another friend to you for dating purposes. Also, If you hooked up with a person the night before…it’s a general rule that if you’ve seen each other naked we think it’s ok if you see each other’s Halloween ’08 pics.

Kids - Do not let your kids send friend requests to grownups they barely know. You can’t expect us to censor ourselves just because your 9 yr old shouldn’t be reading updates about rolling on X and beastiality. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. That’s on you. We don’t need to hear about every bowel movement or accident your newborn has either. Teenagers fall into this category too. So if you have a teenager please make sure that they’re not friends with either of us. They are absolutely atrocious on social networks. No OnE WaNtS tO rEaD aNyThINg WhEn It LoOkS LiKe ThIs.

Spam - WOW! I CANT BELIEVE I CAN ACTUALLY SEE WHO'S BEEN CREEPIN ME ON FB! JUST CLICK THIS LINK TO FIND OUT WHICH ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BE ABLE TO LOOK IN THE EYE AGAIN!! Do not click the link it doesn’t work, its spam. One aside here, this is actually a good indicator of how many of your friends are actively looking at porn sites. If we had to ballpark it we’d say 100% of your friends look at porn, present company included. With that being said, we’d like to go on record and say that website had a disclaimer saying the girls were 18 and the cat was already dead your honor.

Updated Profile Pictures – What used to be called “MySpace Voodoo” has now become an epidemic on Facebook. No one likes being fooled. So if you’ve got that one picture of you in a bikini from 10 years ago where you’re looking fine as hell….don’t use it as your profile picture now that you’ve been married/divorced with 7 kids and put on 75 pounds.

Creating Events/Inviting to Events – It’s great that you’re involved in charities. It’s even great that you want us to come to your charitable event. What’s not great is inviting all 897 friends to your son’s/daughter’s Cowboy Birthday Party. There better be booze and strippers. If there are then we’ll even bring a present*
*The present is lots and lots of 1’s.

Married People With Joint Accounts - If you can’t trust each other enough to allow separate Facebook pages, maybe you should call it a day. If you're seriously that worried about your spouse being unfaithful, let us just break it down for you.. Where there's a supply closet and will, there is a way. Your boo don’t need Facebook to cheat. Guys that agree to this…you’re effectively saying “My wife has my balls in her purse. I do not have access to them right now, but if you send me a message I’ll ask her if I can use them and get back to you.”

'We're sooo in love' wall posts - Come on people, get real. Chances are you aren’t even going to be dating/married to that person in 2 years so why waste your valuable time and 140 precious character spaces trying to convince your Facebook friends that they are your perfect soul mate? Since when do our intimate relationships require posting “my hubby/wife is the bestest” to all 581 of our closest friends? If you’re going to post the good you might as well post the bad. “Couldn’t watch the second half of the game tonight because the cunt wanted to watch god damn CSI:Albuquerque”

Constant changing of the relationship status - We get it..your love life is a hot mess. We’re really not sure why you do it, but understand this: You get a little pity the first time, then you get hidden. We don’t change our status every time Misty feels the need to smother her husband as he sleeps or every time Cory has to write a personal check for the hooker’s divorce lawyer for two reasons: 1) We don’t have that kind of time 2) We know that our Facebook friends do not give a crap.

Pets – You love your pet. Nothing wrong with that. Posting 72 pictures of your dog laying on the couch….72 pictures of your dog laying in the grass….or 72 pictures of your dog licking peanut butter off your…..you get the picture. It’s a little much. There needs to be a separate Facebook for kids and pets. One that is far,far away from us.

Favorite Quotes Section - If you have any quotes that can be attributed to yourself or any of your friends, take them down. No one knows the context, no one gives a shit that your friend Sully said “NO I SAID THE PAINT WAS CRACKED”…..you hear that sound? That’s no one caring.


Now we’ll move onto some MAJOR violations. These will get you hidden in a heartbeat….repeat offenders are likely to be even ….*gasp*…..unfriended.

Menstruation and/or Bowel Habits - Seriously people…do we need to go over this? As a general rule of thumb if anything is secreted out of any orifice on your body whether it be blood , mucus, or feces, no one else wants to know about it. Promise. Cross our hearts. Hope to die. Stick a giant needle in your eye if you tell us you left a giant curler in the bowl at work again.

“like” Whores- You ever notice on one of your friend’s pages how one certain person likes every single one of a their posts and you think it’s weird because you know for a fact that they don’t hang out together. If it comes to the point where someone has literally stopped posting just so that you won’t have anything to like on their page then we’re pretty sure the terrorists have won. Don’t make them block you. That being said, please continue to “like” each and every one of our posts.

Bible Verses/Famous/Cliché Quotes – We here at Chex & the Pity and MillsFamilyFunhouse both agree that like the separation of Church and State there should be separation of Church and Facebook. Don’t take this the wrong way, we’re both in the same boat as the Doobie Brothers in that Jesus is just alright with us (oh yeah)….but there comes a point in time where if after reading your posts on Facebook we put a few dollars in a plate in the pantry and start thinking about where to beat the lunch crowds (Western Sizzlin is good if you get there before 1215 on Sunday)…it has to be toned down….a lot.
Also if all you can do is quote Marilyn Monroe or Rev Run then maybe posting on social networking sites just isn’t for you. Do us a favor and throw in a Charles Manson or two…at least you’ll know if anyone is paying attention to you after that. Answer: probably still no one. Seriously, you lost them after the 87th consecutive Marilyn Monroe quote. And by the way, who is supposed to be inspired by a self-admitted one trick pony who only got famous because she slept her way into acting and banged the president then committed suicide….real inspirational there.

Passive Aggressive - The mother of all inappropriateness on Facebook….the passive-aggressive post. If you’re constantly bitching and moaning about “something” that “someone” has done or is doing….if you’re whining about how you can’t understand why you’re still single….if you’re basically being just a huge gaping asshole on the internet, please do us all a favor and go back to MySpace. We’re not gonna name any names here but YOU know who YOU are.

Creating Facebook Pages for Dead People - So what could be more fitting than honoring your friend or loved one that hated social media and made a conscientious decision not to have a facebook page with a facebook page...post mortem. We are soooo gonna haunt your ass after we pass on. Those creepy noises in the night and cryptic messages written in peanut butter on your bathroom mirror….that’s us. Hi.

Checking In Everywhere - If you can give us one good reason why you are irrationally compelled to tell everyone you've ever met that you're at Wendy's (for the second time today, wth?) We won’t punch you in the face. Do you want stalkers? We have a few “like” whores that we can send your way. Wendy’s would be an odd place to die.

Pictures and Knowing the Difference Between Appropriate and Inappropriate – It's bad enough spending the night in the drunk tank and having to come up with yet another $390 for bail, but to come home and have to untag yourself from 57 potentially incriminating photos on your page really irks us. Knock it off or we’re posting that one of you and the midget stripper that stole your Visa card.

If you Love Jesus/Hate Obama/Hate Cancer/Support Our Troops then repost this…. – Have you ever met anyone …ANYONE that did not support the troops or hate cancer? Besides the Westboro Baptist Church? Ok then, let’s just all agree here and now that WE SUPPORT THE TROOPS and we fucking hate cancer. We’ve already mentioned that Jesus is just alright with us (oh yeah) and hell we can even support thinking that you have a great sister/husband/father/wife/brother. But don’t ask us to repost something just to make you feel better about your own situation.

Parents - Listen, Mom/Dad….what we post on Facebook is mostly nonsense. It’s almost never , repeat never about you. So while you might feel the need to comment on a status here and there, that’s fine. Just don’t interpret any post about burying dead hookers as a mom issue ok?

Debbie downers – We all have bad days. It’s ok to vent a little frustration every now and then. But if your life sucks so bad that you have never once posted a positive status update, you might wanna re-evaluate your life. How many days in a row do you feel the need to let us know that you’re “having one of those days”? Step away from the computer and get some help, preferably in the form of electric shock therapy or a lobotomy.

Politics – Oh man those Bush/Obama jokes really kill me. Politics are like religion when it comes to Facebook and life in general….no one is ever going to agree. At this point in our lives, it’s very rare that you’re going to convert anyone to the other side. So why try? We can both sit online and spout facts that prove/disprove each other til we’re as blue in the face as that dude in that weatherman’s bathtub in Maumelle, it’s not going to change anything. Leave it be.

Games - This used to be a much larger issue. Gone are the days where you could read 17 posts in a row about finding a stray cow or someone needing “coins” to build that lattice field around their crops. Although it was always funny to come home and see 87 posts about a current news topic and mom’s post about “Does anyone have any carrot seeds?”. Seriously, if you’re playing games on Facebook and posting them on your own wall or others….you need to get back on WOW where you belong and stop terrorizing the rest of us non gamers.


So there you have it. Some basic guidelines to what we find awful about you on Facebook. Just kidding we don’t think you’re awful.

And yes, we know that we are just as guilty as anyone else about some of these so please….DO NOT SEND US A GOD DAMN EMAIL SAYING “ HEY YOU POSTED SOMETHING ABOUT KIDS YESTERDAY HAHAHAHAHA”

Hallmark Cards for the real world

Welcome to another collaborative effort from Misty Mills and ChexandThePity.wordpress.com.  This week we’re going to try and not offend anyone…kidding. 

Have you ever found yourself wishing you had a Hallmark Card for a situation that Hallmark would never make a card for?  We got ya covered.  The following are our submissions to Hallmark.  (We expect the cease and desist orders to come in the mail any day now)

Want to break up with a friend for their taste in pop culture/entertainment?  Try these cards on for size:

“I'm sorry you like Tyler Perry Movies.   I’m also sorry I didn’t find this out sooner.  I feel used.   I’m un-friending you on facebook. “

“Congratulations on attending a recent Nickelback concert.  Hopefully you contracted some form of Hepatitis.  The form that keeps you from breathing.”

“Roses are red, violets are blue….soccer sucks….and so do you.  Sorry bro,  the only football we’re gonna watch the rest of the year involves cheerleaders and tackling.”

“Dear Steve*,  Although we’re all super impressed with your Michael Phelp’s like lung capacity we can longer have you over on Wednesday night’s unless you buy the weed. “
This card only available to friends who know Steve.  God damn does he mess up the rotation or what?

" I know the divorce was hard on you and your dog just died, but we're gonna have to kick you out of the group. You're a total downer. I didnt want to mention it, but the weight gain and the Beiber fetish are also  big no-no's"

"You're dumb. I can't take it anymore. Do me a solid and read a fuckin book.  Twilight doesnt count."

Have that type of family that regular sappy cards just aren't cutting it for?  How about these:

“Happy Third Anniversary!  We never thought you’d make it this long, especially after finding out you two were related.” 

“Congratulations on finding out you had a sister....that's dead.  I’m sure you two would have really been close.”

“Dearest Uncle,  Heard about your recent DWI.  Just wanted to say I’m amazed by your commitment to your craft.  Most people would have given up after 3.”

“Congrats on getting a cell in the State Pen instead of Federal.  Not only will you be closer for visits but you might know the person that sodomizes you nightly!”

“Sweet Nephew,  The rest of us just want you to know that it’s ok if you’re gay.  We’ve actually all known for some time now.   The vacations to Amsterdam,  trips to Key West and never being able to do anything the nights that Glee is on are kind of hard signals to miss.   We won’t love you any less….unless your boyfriend’s black.”

“Congratulations on giving birth to the most…..most…..ah screw it, congrats on giving birth to the second coming of News of the World’s Bat Boy……Christ in a dumptruck that kid’s ugly.   When you’re here for Thanksgiving please find a room at the Motel 6.  We don’t want that beast scaring our perfectly normal children.”

"YOU DID IT!  We're so proud to hear the fourth stint in rehab took!  I'm not even mad I lost that $200!"

"Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's my hottest cousin of all?!  YOU, SILLY! "  -I'll be shocked if you dont get 'most boneable' again this year at the reunion."

What about the new wave of Holidays that have cropped up in recent years?  Tired of sending the same old boring Christmas cards?  Might we suggest these fine substitutes:

“Happy MLK Day!  Please enjoy the package of cookies we sent with this card!”*

           *This one’s for your dyslexic/racist friends that although they realize it’s Martin 

             Luther King Jr Day, fail to realize the card they bought doesn’t say MILK.

“Happy Kwanza!  I don’t even know what this means but I know that you’re black and a black guy at my office mentioned Kwanza….soooo…..Have fun at your holiday.  Word.”

 "Happy Administrative Professionals Day!  Apparently, that's the new fancy way to say 'secretary'.  I like it. Has a nice ring.  Any word yet on the fancy way to say 'get off your ass, fax that file and have a turkey club in my office before I bust that 'worlds best mom' mug over your abnormally small peanut shaped head?"

Tired of getting the same old boring cards for co-workers?  Spice up your employment with our help:

“Dear Co-Worker,  thanks for leaving your facebook up at lunch.  Now your cunt of a grandmother knows you’re coming home for Christmas as a furry….You’re Welcome!”

“Congratulations on not seeing any ghosts in rehab this time.  We’re all super excited about you being back at work.  We’ve moved your pens and pencils over to the supply cabinet though….just in case.”

“Thanks for eating the last donut lard ass.  There were people who hadn’t even had a chance to get one, yet you thought it was just fine to make 4 trips to the break room before 8.  Hope your cardiologist gets hit by a bus.”

“We're so relieved to hear that your rapid weight loss was due to a parisitic infection instead of the AIDS we had feared.”

“Sorry to hear your band’s gig got bumped this weekend.  I’m sure your 23 minute guitar solo in your cover of Comfortably Numb was righteous.  Don’t bother telling me when it’s rescheduled for.  I value my eardrums.”

"Thanks for thinking of me, but no, I dont want to buy any crap to support your kids school. It's a waste of money.  My advice would be to take him out of school and start prepping him for his future of appearing on all the reality shows involving Dr Drew."

          

Oh, Lord!

Im prefacing this post with a simple fact:  I am in no way doubting there is a God that answers prayers.  I am a believer.  I drank the Kool Aid and I have been washed in the very smelly, warm blood of the lamb. I tell you that to tell you this...

Tonight I read the status update of a family member and I literally laughed so hard I had tears running down my face.  Ladies and Gents, I give you THE status update:

FB Friends.............Ive lost my keys to my car, We have looked every where, Im asking all my friends that pray, to pray with me that GOD will show me where they are. This is not stupid to pray for this.........God has the power to do this. Please pray with me.

First things first, try to wake up Chad because this is HIS family member, mine only by marriage.  It's a no go.  He has to work in the morning and doesn't appreciate me waking him up to talk about anything to do with FB (or his family, for that matter).   Next idea, call Cory and laugh.  For posterity and your sake, I wrote down our responses that unfortunately won't make the 'comments' section under my dear Aunts post.  

10. I think God wants you to walk to the Dollar General tonight.

9. St Peter: "Ma'am, your keys have to be missing for more than 24hrs before we can file a report.  Do your keys have any enemies?  What were your keys wearing when you saw them last.  Did you have a disagreement?  Is there any reason to believe your keys may be under the influence of drugs or alcohol?

8. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was hiding your damn keys.

7. 'It is not stupid to pray for this'...um, yes it absolutely is.

6. 11 out of 12 Disciples agree that this is a dumb ass prayer.

5. Have you tried reading The Secret and visualizing your keys?

4. Cory has a blind date coming up, can he pray that she's hot and that the Home Depot isnt out of chloroform?

3. 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not wasteth the Lords time

2. Worst follow up prayer:  So, God, where we at on them keys?

1. Gods Assistant:  Yeah, we have Obama on line 1 asking about the debt ceiling, Africa on line 2 with the usual poor, starving children with AIDS thing and some lady named Sharon on 3 talking about car keys?


And this concludes the 1st annual 'get Misty punched in the face by a family member' blog.  We all knew it was bound to happen.  I'll post pics of my fat lip asap. 

 G'night!